How (And How Not) To Handle a Narcissist

January 12, 2022

Narcissists are like brick walls who see and hear others but fail to understand or relate to them. ~ Mateo Sol

It’s common knowledge that human beings, in general, operate a certain way. We begin to pick up on how people operate early on in our development. As early as kindergarten, we learn that people share with each other. We notice that people feel distressed when we see someone else in distress. We learn the Golden Rule and other customary wisdom.

We grow up believing that this is how everybody ticks, and that these basic phenomena are relatively universal.

However, narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths don’t operate this way. They don’t have empathy, so there’s no appealing to their senses of justice or humanity. They don’t believe they have to share, and they don’t care one bit if they see someone in distress.

The moral of the story is not to treat the narcissist as though they’re human. They’re not.

They may look human. They have a basic human body. They move like a human, talk like a human. They can hold down a job, rent an apartment, drive a car, grocery shop, enter relationships, and create children.

But they’re not fully human. In fact, it can be dangerous to interact with them as though they were.

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The Do’s and Don’ts of Handling Narcissists

First, do not call them out. Calling them out doesn’t actually accomplish what you’d expect it to. It’s not like they’ll see the light. There’s no light to be seen, according to them. No epiphany to be had. They’re typically not capable of that.

Do This Instead: Always keep your knowledge of their narcissism to yourself. Discovering they’re narcissistic was probably a huge “eureka!” moment for you, and you may feel a compelling urge to go tell it on the mountain, including announcing it to them and attempting to work together to figure out how to help or treat the narcissism. Don’t. Sit tight with your knowledge, and also the knowledge that they’re never going to change.

Keep all interaction to a minimum. Do not get personal. Do not confess. Don’t trust them with sensitive material. Do not give them information they could use against you.

Do This Instead: Remain businesslike, transactional, and emotionally neutral. Say as little as possible, and stick to facts. Keep your requests and questions brief. Keep your answers to their questions briefer yet. “No.” is indeed a legitimate answer, and a complete sentence.

Never explain, justify, rationalize, or defend. Don’t defend yourself to them, and don’t defend them to others. Have you ever noticed that narcissists will often criticize you or accuse you of something? It’s all about winding you up, putting you on the defensive, compelling you to defend yourself. The defense position is not a position of power. It takes a lot of energy to play defense. They know this, and they suck you into their frenzy and rile you up in order to feel powerful. Don’t go there, don’t give them that power.

Do This Instead: Make logical, rational, and concise statements. When they start trying to back you into a corner, simply repeat those statements — multiple times, if you have to. Repeat them over and over until they finally get bored. Retain your power.

Don’t feed the trolls, online or in person.

Do This Instead: The best option is usually to stay off social media altogether unless you have a small, close-knit network of non-toxic people and you only use social media for interacting with them. Other options are equally straightforward — scroll right past potentially inflammatory conversations, without getting involved.

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Don’t give in to their negativity. Negativity and pessimism can be contagious. It can be subtle, sneaking up on you slowly and quietly, grabbing you from behind before you know it. It can even trigger longer-term depression and other psychological ailments.

Do This Instead: Hang on to You and who you are, what you think, and how you feel. Remember that you’re not them, you are your own person. Hang on to your more positive nature. Keep your goals and options in mind.

Don’t let them trip you up in details or weird statements or other conversation that distracts you.

Do This Instead: Again, hang on to You. “Reset” the conversation back to the topic at hand. Keeping them on track is exhausting, but then so is following them on their never-ending wild goose chase through disjointed topics and statements designed to knock you off-balance.

Don’t slather them with compliments or attention or reassurances. It never lasts. If they’re a vulnerable/covert narcissist, they won’t even believe you. You might actually end up triggering them a little further as they mentally fight back against your encouraging words.

Do This Instead: Remember that you’re not trying to win them over. They can’t really be won over in the first place, and that’s not something you’d really want anyway. Remember the “just the facts” point from above.

Don’t expect gratitude, validation, apologies, or closure. You’ll never get it from them.

Do This Instead: Speaking to the lack of gratitude, try not to give them much (by way of gifts, favors, and so on) to begin with. It’s a waste of time, energy, and resources. They don’t keep in mind all you’ve done for them over time; it’s all about “what have you done for me lately?” Speaking to validation, it’s best to validate yourself. Your thoughts, feelings, and experience are valid on their own. You certainly don’t need them to validate you. They don’t really acknowledge anyone else, and they certainly don’t apologize; you’ll need to heal yourself. You’ll also need to give yourself closure and the permission to move on.

And move on we shall!

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