Sometimes the very best way to highlight the absurdity of the “normal” is to show it for what it truly is. I hope this pointed piece of satire will help you look at fostering the love of learning in a new way!
How to Kill Your Child’s Love of Learning in 10 Easy Steps
1. Stress about their milestones while they are still toddlers.
The books tell us all we need to know about our own children. Living with them daily cannot possibly be any match for a highly-educated expert who has no children, but has years of professional experience telling parents how to raise theirs.
2. Start preparing them for kindergarten early and enroll them in all-day kindergarten at age 3 or 4.
The earlier the better! A toddler who is behind is doomed for life. Time spent in school is far more valuable than time spent being nurtured by their parents. We all know that play must be overrated. How can they possibly be learning while just sitting around, sorting shapes and coloring?
3. Make them sit still at a desk for hours.
Running around in the fresh air and sunshine is not a natural activity for a child and certainly can’t help them learn. Hard desk chairs and little movement is most conducive to learning.
4. Make sure they always hold their pencil (and crayons) correctly.
There are lifelong consequences to this, so monitor it carefully and correct the aberrant grip immediately.
5. Correct all their mistakes, always.
You don’t want them thinking they were right when they were clearly wrong, do you? Make sure they know they messed up, lest they continue. Don’t give them a chance to discover and learn from their own mistakes. A little self-esteem can be a dangerous thing.
(This post contains affiliate links, meaning I will receive a percentage from any of the sales through these links. However, I only recommend resources that I believe in and usually have personal experience with, so I know you’ll find them helpful!)
6. Force them to learn things they hate and stifle any creativity or love of learning.
It’s good for them. They’ll thank you later when they’ve been forced to learn what everyone else had to learn, so they can follow the same path as everyone else, and maybe get the same kind of job as everyone else. Talents be darned. Everyone should be the same. There’s no place for divergent thinkers with unconventional, outside-the-curriculum interests. A love of learning is overrated.
7. If they don’t learn to read by age 7, enroll them in remedial classes and let them know they are delayed.
If they know right from the beginning that they have a “disability,” they will learn not to expect too much of themselves. From ancient times, kids have all been reading by age 7. Who would question such a fact!
8. Force them to read books because they are “classics” and “good for them.”
Morals, worldview, and character is irrelevant to the ultimate goal: They must not look foolish when answering Jeopardy questions in front of extended family members.
9. Enroll them in a school or co-op with bullies and teachers who can’t stand them.
Love and compassion is overrated. Bullies don’t affect anyone’s ability to focus and learn. And neither do bad teachers. What they simply need is discipline to learn, and who better to inflict that discipline than someone who really doesn’t like them anyway?
10. Make them conform to an unthinking, unfeeling system.
Scope, sequence, rules, regulations, schedules, and protocols trump all relational needs and unforeseen circumstances. They must be followed without question or thought. After all, the first great commandment is “Love the educational system with all your heart, soul, strength, and might, and your children’s intellect as yourself.” Health issues, emotional issues, family traumas, and life-altering changes all bow to the system and it’s demands. Conform or be doomed to a life of failure and intellectual poverty. Those are the two choices.
Follow these 10 simple steps and you too can have a child who hates learning and thinks school is a drudgery! Why should your child get to actually enjoy learning when so many other children don’t? Want to know how we got to where with are with our educational system? Read John Taylor Gatto’s classic book, Dumbing Us Down.
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