Procrastination, Rushing, and ADHD With Yasmeen [Video]

By Understood

Yasmeen (they/them) was a perpetual procrastinator. They would always wait until the last minute to write a paper or start an assignment. But then came a tough college course and an equally tough professor. Yasmeen’s old methods were no longer working, which set them on the path to an ADHD diagnosis.

Yasmeen reflects on growing up with undiagnosed ADHD, specifically their struggle with homework. Yasmeen, who’s a user researcher, also shares what they’ve learned about the over- and underdiagnosis of ADHD in the Black community.

To find a transcript for this episode and more resources, visit the episode page at Understood. https://www.understood.org/podcast/ad…

We love hearing from our listeners. Email us at ADHDAha@understood.org.

Understood is a nonprofit and social impact organization dedicated to shaping a world where the 1 in 5 people who learn and think differently can thrive. Learn more about “ADHD Aha!” and all our podcasts at u.org/podcasts.

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Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

0:00
so when i was in my junior year of
0:01
college i had an english class that i
0:03
needed to pass in order to get my minor
0:06
and we had sort of one final paper that
0:08
was worth a lot for that class and so i
0:11
remember knowing that my usual routine
0:14
of going to the library two or three
0:17
hours before class and doing
0:20
the paper that was due that day
0:22
wasn’t going to work for this paper um
0:25
in particular and i i tried to do a
0:28
different approach i spent a couple days
0:30
writing this paper i got so much
0:32
feedback from other people
0:34
about the paper and i felt really really
0:36
proud of sort of the work i put in
0:38
but then once i submitted the paper and
0:41
he started talking about the prompt we
0:43
were answering i realized
0:46
that i didn’t read the prompt properly
0:49
and i missed a key point that he wanted
0:51
to see in the paper and i wrote a
0:53
completely different prompt that he
0:55
didn’t want and i just remembered that
0:57
day just like sinking into my chair and
1:00
i just started crying in that class
1:02
because i knew even though i tried my
1:04
best i still failed
1:07
[Music]
1:11
from the understood podcast network this
1:13
is adhd aha a podcast where people share
1:16
the moment when it finally clicked that
1:18
they or someone they know has adhd
1:22
my name is laura key i’m the editorial
1:24
director here at understood and as
1:26
someone who’s had my own adhd aha moment
1:28
i’ll be your host
1:35
i’m here today with yasmine adams
1:37
yasmine is a user researcher and they
1:39
work with me at understood welcome
1:41
yasmine thank you for having me
1:44
when you got to understood you had not
1:46
yet been diagnosed with adhd is that
1:48
right no no no i haven’t but your aha
1:50
moment
1:51
wasn’t necessarily at understood it
1:53
sounds like working and understood kind
1:55
of nudged you towards getting diagnosed
1:57
but you had an aha moment when you were
1:59
in college your junior year is that
2:00
right yeah so in my junior year of
2:04
college i was finishing up my english
2:06
minor and there was one class that you
2:08
had to take i forgot what the exact
2:10
class was
2:11
but there was a professor that was sort
2:13
of known in the english department of
2:15
being like someone who was like really
2:16
tough like a tough grader a lot of the
2:19
people in my major kind of described him
2:20
as like a pain in the ass
2:23
to be honest
2:24
and so
2:25
he was the only person who was teaching
2:27
the specific class that i needed in
2:28
order to finish up my english minor
2:31
and i was sort of notorious
2:33
by a lot of my friends of being like a
2:36
chronic procrastinator i was not the
2:38
person who would be responsible enough
2:41
to you know oh if i have a 10 page paper
2:43
due let me do two pages a day
2:45
so that you know i’m not like
2:48
too anxious about finishing the paper
2:50
what i would do is that i would actually
2:51
do it the day of or like
2:53
the day before
2:55
and just sit in the library for like two
2:57
hours and like bang out a 10 page paper
2:59
and call it a day i look back on it now
3:01
and it’s like wow that was that was a
3:03
little that was a bit insane
3:05
for doing that but for me it was sort of
3:08
like one i couldn’t really break down
3:10
things into tasks it was always like let
3:14
me just do this one big assignment in
3:16
one go and like get through it and there
3:19
was also like this weird sort of like
3:21
rush i felt while doing it because it
3:23
was almost like
3:25
i don’t know if it’s similar to like how
3:27
chefs are on like cooking shows and they
3:29
have like 30 minute timers and they have
3:31
to like whip out a dish and like hope
3:33
and pray that like they’ll get through i
3:35
felt like that was sort of the same rush
3:37
i would felt where it’s like
3:39
wow i’m like really anxious i’m like
3:41
down on the wire i only have 30 minutes
3:43
before i have to get to class and i have
3:46
250 words that’s still finished up but
3:48
it was the
3:49
like adrenaline rush of actually getting
3:52
it done and like the relief that she got
3:53
it done i would do this constantly and i
3:56
would never really
3:58
be punished for it via like having bad
4:00
grades or anything like that
4:02
and i sort of provide this context to
4:04
help establish why this moment in my
4:07
junior year of college was like so
4:09
devastating
4:10
because i remember like submitting a
4:12
paper in
4:13
for one of our first assignments and
4:14
then i got feedback on it and i got like
4:17
a c on it which i never i’d never gotten
4:20
and he was just like you were jumping
4:22
all over the place in essay you were
4:23
doing this you were doing that and i was
4:25
like i never had this feedback from
4:27
everybody else why am i getting it from
4:28
him
4:29
and i think like the breaking point for
4:31
me was there was either like a final
4:34
paper or like it was a pretty
4:36
significant paper to migrate
4:38
and based on the feedback i was getting
4:40
from other papers and grades i was
4:41
getting i was like
4:43
for this paper that i have to submit i
4:45
actually can’t do what
4:46
i usually have done i actually have to
4:48
like really sit down and like pay
4:50
attention and like break this up so that
4:52
i’m presenting
4:55
the best possible paper i can for this
4:57
class and so i spent like two or three
5:00
days
5:01
writing this paper getting feedback from
5:03
other people
5:04
working with the english resource center
5:06
at my school
5:08
i did like a lot of like preparation for
5:10
this paper which i’ve never done for any
5:12
other class throughout all the time i’ve
5:14
been in school
5:16
and
5:17
i
5:18
submitted it i was really proud of it i
5:20
was like yeah i’m gonna get it a like i
5:22
actually destroyed this paper and then i
5:24
remembered he was like talking about the
5:26
paper and he was just like
5:28
he mentioned something in the
5:30
instructions that i completely looked
5:32
over
5:33
for this research project and
5:36
i
5:38
realized in that moment i had made like
5:41
a really dire mistake and
5:44
i essentially wrote a different type of
5:47
paper that he was asking for
5:49
and i just remembered like sitting in
5:51
class and kind of just like sinking down
5:53
in my chair and just started like crying
5:56
because i was like i did all of this
5:57
hard work
5:59
i put in so much time and resources that
6:02
i never had to
6:04
in other classes for me to still fail
6:08
and not do well and that i think for me
6:10
was kind of a big breaking point to
6:12
where i was like maybe i should really
6:14
see what’s going on with this because i
6:16
always like kind of suspected it was
6:18
related to adhd but i was like well it
6:20
works for me so i’m not going to really
6:22
change it but then it was it was like
6:23
after that
6:25
moment i was like
6:26
i really
6:27
you should probably
6:29
consider something’s wrong
6:31
am i right that you got good grades for
6:35
all of your life leading up to this oh
6:37
yeah definitely i was definitely like an
6:38
arb student most of like my classes
6:42
the only thing that got me in trouble
6:44
was again this idea of following
6:46
instructions even when in like
6:48
kindergarten like i remember just i
6:51
remember teachers would say hey go right
6:53
and i would go left
6:54
go up and i’ll go down that was sort of
6:56
me i never really
6:59
liked the idea of having
7:01
like things being set out to me in the
7:03
form of like commands or like actions
7:05
and i never understood why i had to do
7:07
it so i would always like
7:09
not do it
7:11
yeah and just to be clear i don’t think
7:12
that actually getting a c
7:14
is a terrible thing it’s not a bad grade
7:16
it’s average it’s just i i have a
7:18
feeling from your perspective that was
7:20
like like a knife to the heart oh yeah
7:23
oh yeah because i’ve literally never
7:25
gotten to see
7:26
up until that point and i was like
7:29
whoa
7:31
i don’t want to be a c student and it
7:33
was definitely like a real
7:35
crush to me because i was like i always
7:37
did well so why am i not doing well in
7:39
this class particularly did you feel
7:41
like exposed when the professor kind of
7:45
discovered your symptoms or your methods
7:48
yeah like i definitely felt
7:51
one like embarrassed a little bit i
7:53
remember like everyone was looking at me
7:55
and just like yikes
7:57
how did you get that wrong
7:59
and
8:01
i also kind of felt that from that
8:03
professor at that time you know it was
8:05
clear for you to not do that and yet you
8:08
did it and so i felt like a little
8:10
embarrassed because i felt like am i the
8:12
only one that didn’t get this really
8:14
nobody
8:16
and i think also
8:17
a lot of it too was that again like i
8:19
felt like i could always kind of like
8:21
skate by a lot of classes because even i
8:23
knew like it wasn’t always the best work
8:25
i put out
8:26
when i had to rush or
8:28
i was like in sort of that crunch time
8:30
mode
8:31
but i would still
8:33
get really good feedback but when it
8:35
came to him it was kind of like he saw
8:37
through the fluff i would put a lot in
8:40
writing he was one who was able to kind
8:42
of see like the cracks
8:44
and my foundation a little bit and i
8:46
think that’s what really also
8:48
irritated me
8:49
and it kind of brought up a lot of
8:51
insecurities about like my own
8:52
intelligence like was i actually smart
8:55
or was i just kind of like passing
8:56
through to pass through you know what i
8:58
mean and so i felt like a lot of
9:00
emotions kind of came up in that class
9:02
and i think
9:04
that
9:05
one paper moment really summarized
9:08
essentially like how i felt at that time
9:10
if i was like actually capable
9:13
what did you do with that feeling and
9:15
that information
9:17
after that and how many years ago was
9:19
that
9:20
well that was my junior year of college
9:21
so i want to say that i was probably
9:23
like three or four years ago now
9:26
and i think maybe one of the first
9:28
things i did was i definitely went to my
9:31
friends
9:32
and
9:32
you know at first i kind of looked at it
9:34
as a hymn issue as like a he’s just an
9:37
a-hole like he just sucks like
9:40
he is not helpful and
9:42
looking back on it now i kind of see why
9:44
i did it because again i was embarrassed
9:47
i felt like he was like seeing through
9:49
me and seeing through all of my faults
9:52
and never looking at me holistically as
9:54
a person
9:55
through my writing and i blamed a lot on
9:57
him but i think for me it kind of took a
10:00
lot of
10:01
just reflection on like okay this didn’t
10:04
work again so maybe this is related to
10:07
something else and i just don’t really
10:10
know it yet but isn’t it interesting
10:12
though yes mean that like one paper how
10:14
that can change everything and be a
10:16
catalyst and so when did you get
10:18
diagnosed that must have been
10:21
one two years ago yeah it was actually
10:23
pretty early this year i want to say um
10:26
so recent welcome yeah
10:29
i know i’m
10:31
a weird club to be in but happy
10:33
nonetheless
10:35
you’re right it is a weird club
10:39
[Music]
10:46
i noticed at one point when you were
10:47
talking you said oh my methods aren’t
10:49
working again
10:51
which kind of tipped me off that maybe
10:52
like little inklings of this had come up
10:55
just not as
10:56
intensely before is that right oh yeah
10:59
definitely like i
11:02
i remembered in school one of my
11:06
biggest
11:07
sort of report card notes that i would
11:09
always get is that yasmine does not do
11:12
homework i just hated the concept of
11:15
homework why am i going to school for
11:17
like eight hours a day and i could
11:18
barely focus there and then you’re
11:21
forcing me to spend another two three
11:22
hours on homework i would just never do
11:25
it and so many of my teachers said i was
11:27
like smart i was capable and i was
11:29
definitely knowledgeable of what i was
11:31
doing in class but it was just a
11:33
homework where that was a big stickler
11:35
point and one of my favorite like
11:37
classes when i was younger was history i
11:39
really loved history i loved learning
11:41
about world events and how that affected
11:44
like future world events and who were
11:46
the actors and who were sort of players
11:48
in those events and everything and i
11:51
remembered i got like a really high
11:53
score on like the new york state regents
11:55
i think it was like a 99
11:57
or something like that it was super high
11:59
but then i got like a 75 in a class
12:01
because i didn’t do any homework
12:03
oh that’s interesting because i was
12:04
actually just going to ask you why do
12:06
you think that you would rush through
12:07
homework or dislike homework there are
12:09
so many reasons that kids with adhd can
12:11
struggle with homework and one of them
12:13
might be that they’re just not
12:14
interested in the topic and don’t want
12:15
to deal with it but you were really
12:17
interested in history
12:19
yeah i was super super interested i
12:21
loved history and like i was good at
12:23
memorization and everything like that it
12:25
was just the thought of having to sit
12:28
down for another two hours after i just
12:31
sat down
12:32
for eight hours of school
12:34
to then do an assignment
12:36
that was due to next day
12:38
i just could never do it and so i i
12:40
never did
12:42
or like if i knew like i had
12:45
history for seventh period and i had
12:48
lunch at fifth period i would do my
12:50
homework and fifth period so that it was
12:52
ready for seventh period but sometimes
12:55
it just never aligned and
12:56
i didn’t do great in the class
12:58
but my teacher was always like kind of
13:00
baffled by that i remember her saying
13:02
like that’s me and you’re really smart
13:04
and i want you to pass i actually want
13:06
you to get a really high grade in this
13:08
class because i know you can
13:10
but the homework
13:13
and i just i could i just couldn’t do it
13:16
i i don’t know what what it was it
13:18
sounds like it was fatigue
13:20
right like during the school day kids
13:22
with adhd that might put all of their
13:24
energy into like focusing and doing
13:27
everything that they need to do and then
13:28
by the time they get home they’re like
13:29
totally drained and like you gave
13:32
everything that your adhd brain could
13:34
give during the school day and you just
13:35
needed a break yeah definitely i felt
13:37
like it was a little weird for me
13:39
because i felt like i in a sense was
13:41
almost like masking a lot of the
13:44
symptoms like i couldn’t sit down or i
13:46
just had to talk to somebody and
13:48
distract them while i’m also distracted
13:50
or like i would just do things that i
13:52
guess people would consider weird like
13:54
when i was in school i always like used
13:55
to talk to myself
13:57
or like come up with like weird
13:59
scenarios in my head and kind of like
14:00
daydream a lot and other kids would
14:02
notice that and they would call me weird
14:04
or be like what are you doing and so i
14:07
experienced that a lot when i was
14:08
growing up and so i felt like i had to
14:11
like basically portray normal
14:14
and i remember that being like super
14:16
tiring for me because i was being
14:18
someone that i wasn’t and having to
14:21
almost be like a chameleon in school to
14:23
like make sure that people know like hey
14:25
i’m normal guys i’m not weird yeah i
14:27
don’t talk to myself and i got bullied a
14:29
lot when i was in school and so again
14:31
that’s sort of where that hiding kind of
14:33
came from where it was like okay i need
14:34
to
14:35
be perceived as normal because at least
14:37
if i’m
14:38
perceived as normal i probably won’t get
14:40
bullied a lot or i probably won’t get
14:42
asked like weird questions and things
14:44
like that and so i felt like in order to
14:46
like maintain some form of social
14:49
connection with my other peers i sort of
14:51
had to morph into what they believe or
14:54
perceive normal is and so by the time i
14:57
got home i was so exhausted from school
14:59
day i’m sorry to hear you got bullied
15:01
yasmine yeah what was the school like
15:03
that you went to
15:04
i went to public school here in new york
15:06
and a lot of the schools i went to many
15:09
of the families were lower income
15:11
pretty diverse in terms of like race and
15:14
gender but it was only until i want to
15:16
say maybe in middle school is when they
15:18
started putting me in sort of like
15:20
magnet classes or quote-unquote gifted
15:22
classes
15:23
and like in high school i started to be
15:26
in sort of like honors and you know ib
15:29
and ap
15:30
and then the racial makeup of the
15:32
classes and sort of diversity
15:34
slowly but surely started to sort of
15:36
disappear i think for me
15:39
that was sort of a big reason why i kind
15:40
of got overlooked in school because it
15:42
was just like well you know their grades
15:45
are good and they don’t have any
15:46
socio-emotional issues so i think
15:48
they’re good i feel like that’s how a
15:50
lot of teachers kind of you know looked
15:52
at me and at some point i kind of get it
15:54
because it was just like there were
15:56
other kids who needed much more like
15:58
attention and much more help from like
16:00
paras and things like that and for me it
16:03
was kind of like well okay they don’t do
16:05
homework they can’t really follow
16:06
instructions but they’re passing class
16:08
so that’s what matters especially for
16:09
the type of schools i went to like you
16:11
know grades of students determine like
16:14
the sort of funding you can get
16:16
and so
16:17
for them as long as you’re passing and
16:19
as long as you’re
16:21
you’re not sort of a danger to yourself
16:22
or to your other classmates we just
16:24
don’t have enough time to like really
16:27
look to see if like there might be
16:29
something else that’s there
16:31
[Music]
16:38
what was your family’s perception of all
16:40
this it’s interesting so my family are
16:43
from the caribbean my parents are from
16:45
jamaica and so kind of like two
16:47
different worlds
16:49
and so even if they did sort of hear
16:52
from teachers that like oh your child
16:54
has trouble like sitting down and paying
16:56
attention and has trouble listening to
16:58
us and focusing and things like that my
17:01
parents kind of just chucked it up to me
17:03
being a kid because it’s like oh yeah we
17:05
see that so much in jamaica and so they
17:07
didn’t quite understand it and so if
17:10
there was maybe a teacher who saw that
17:13
like maybe there was something going on
17:15
with me if they were to try to explain
17:18
that to my parents my parents would have
17:19
just been like oh
17:21
that’s kind of american thing you know
17:22
americans love to like over diagnose
17:25
things and
17:26
diagnose people with things you don’t
17:27
have that that doesn’t exist because we
17:30
don’t have it back at home
17:31
and it’s like
17:33
no
17:34
you do probably have it at home
17:37
and i get they didn’t have that language
17:39
but i i do wish that they sort of took
17:41
some of it with validity because i felt
17:44
like if they did it would have been much
17:46
easier for me in terms of them to sort
17:48
of help me to get like sort of the
17:49
services i need versus me you know when
17:51
i’m 12 like looking up webmd
17:54
and looking up why can’t i pay attention
17:57
and i hear it a lot from like other
17:59
immigrant households where it’s like the
18:01
first generation kids you know we have
18:03
to be our own advocates because our
18:05
parents sometimes need advocates
18:06
themselves your self-awareness is pretty
18:08
amazing at 12 years old you’re looking
18:10
up why can’t i pay attention i
18:12
definitely wasn’t doing that when i was
18:13
12. and listeners it has nothing to do
18:15
with the fact that the web was not very
18:17
robust when i was 12 years old
18:19
there are a lot of feelings around that
18:20
we talk with a lot of people who think
18:21
about like their parents and again i
18:23
always say this it’s no judgment our
18:25
knowledge of adhd has come such a long
18:27
way and you’re on the front lines of
18:28
that as a user researcher
18:30
yeah can you tell folks a little bit
18:32
about what you’ve learned about adhd
18:35
diagnosis particularly in the black
18:36
community through your research
18:38
yeah so we recently
18:41
did research specifically with black and
18:44
latinx parents and also black
18:46
individuals one of the things we heard a
18:48
lot was this idea of like an over
18:50
diagnosis and an under diagnosis a lot
18:53
of times
18:54
behaviors related to adhd that are seen
18:57
in black children
18:58
they’re more seen as like disruptive but
19:00
when it’s not sort of related to quote
19:03
unquote disruptive behavior when it’s
19:05
like sort of just like an inability to
19:06
focus or things like that it’s usually
19:08
sort of overlooked in a lot of black
19:11
students and so
19:13
there is sort of this weird
19:15
almost ironic sort of dichotomy between
19:18
like focusing on this disruptive
19:20
behavior in order to like punish
19:22
and then not providing like help and
19:25
services for people
19:26
who are exhibiting like behaviors that
19:28
aren’t related to this idea of like
19:30
disruptiveness and you know in the end
19:32
it just doesn’t help the black students
19:35
in general because you’re constantly
19:37
policed in school but also not getting
19:39
the help you needed and we saw a lot of
19:41
that and also this idea of just kind of
19:43
like passing kids through the education
19:46
system even though they still
19:48
require help and still require
19:50
some form of accommodation i remember
19:52
there was one person who we talked to
19:53
who just felt like they were kind of
19:55
getting passed through school because
19:57
teachers just didn’t have the time the
19:59
resources or honestly just didn’t care
20:02
enough to
20:03
provide him the help he needed and then
20:06
once he sort of entered into college and
20:08
entered into the real world he was like
20:10
struggling so much because he never was
20:13
able to
20:14
get the help he needed or develop the
20:16
strategies he needed in order to
20:18
like be in sort of an environment where
20:21
you are sort of your own advocate
20:23
and you need to seek out these resources
20:26
we don’t just provide them to you it
20:28
ends up being like a real detriment to a
20:30
lot of black students once they’re sort
20:31
of
20:32
aged out of like our k-12 system
20:35
and they kind of have to figure it out
20:37
on their own
20:39
in your work you ever feel like you
20:40
relate to any of the stories that come
20:42
up and if so is that cathartic at all
20:44
how does that make you feel
20:46
yeah a lot of the interviews i conduct
20:49
it always feels like i’m sort of looking
20:51
back at myself it really gives me sort
20:53
of the opportunity to really like
20:55
reflect back on like my life and how
20:58
that sort of came up for me and also
20:59
feeling one scene and two that wasn’t
21:02
you know this wasn’t my fault because a
21:05
lot of the times issues around not
21:06
getting that help tends to be a lot more
21:08
systemic than we sort of realize and so
21:10
yeah it’s sort of amazing to kind of do
21:13
this work because i get to help out
21:15
other people while also learning so much
21:17
more about myself and like you know also
21:19
forgiving myself for things that i
21:20
couldn’t really control that’s pretty
21:22
incredible that the way that your work
21:24
and your life and your experience have
21:25
kind of intersected in that way it’s
21:28
powerful i’m so grateful to like be able
21:31
to have that sort of experience because
21:32
i don’t think i would have been able or
21:34
i think it would have probably took me a
21:36
lot longer to actually look to get a
21:38
diagnosis if i hadn’t had that chance of
21:41
like constant reflection have you uh
21:43
been in contact at all with that
21:44
professor from your junior year oh no
21:48
i i have not i’m just curious yeah i’m
21:52
still kind of a little salty with the b
21:54
minus that i got in the class but you
21:55
know if he’s listening to this thanks i
21:57
guess
22:00
well i mean yes mean this has been
22:02
wonderful thank you for being here with
22:04
me today and talking with me yeah of
22:06
course i think this was fun
22:15
you’ve been listening to adhd aha from
22:17
the understood podcast network you can
22:20
listen and subscribe to adhd aha on
22:22
apple spotify or anywhere you get your
22:24
podcasts and if you like what you heard
22:26
today tell someone about the show we
22:29
rely on listeners like you to reach and
22:31
support more people
22:32
and if you want to share your own aha
22:34
moment email us at
22:36
adhdaha understood.org
22:39
i’d love to hear from you you can go to
22:41
u.org
22:43
adhd aha to find details on each episode
22:46
and related resources that’s the letter
22:49
u as an understood dot o r g slash adhd
22:54
aha understood as a non-profit and
22:56
social impact organization
22:59
we have no affiliation with
23:00
pharmaceutical companies
23:02
learn more at understood.org
23:05
mission
23:07
aha is produced by jessamine mali say hi
23:10
jessamine hi everyone justin d wright
23:12
created our music seth melnick and
23:15
brianna berry are our production
23:16
directors scott cochier is our creative
23:19
director
23:20
and i’m your host laura key editorial
23:22
director at understood thanks so much
23:25
for listening
23:26
[Music]
23:27
[Applause]
23:28
[Music]
24:00
you

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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