What 1000 Men’s Tears Reveal

April 09, 2022

Imagine hearing 1000 men share something they’ve never shared before.

The cultural crisis we face, as men are still being taught to cry less and toughen up, impacts all of humanity. This is a call for welcoming men’s vulnerability and for women to do so without losing love or attraction. It also includes guidance for sharing pain, fears, and desires in a way that doesn’t send others running for the hills!

Watch the full TEDx Talk:

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited):

0:11
[Applause]
0:15
I’ve had more than a thousand men cry
0:18
and be vulnerable with me many of them
0:20
sharing their vulnerability for the
0:22
first time which is amazing because to
0:24
this day we are still teaching our boys
0:26
and our men to cry less and to toughen
0:29
up everyone from strangers to my family
0:32
has tried to get me to get my son to cry
0:34
less and a couple years ago I was
0:36
walking down the hall with my son in his
0:38
kindergarten and a little boy had told
0:40
him that if he said the number-10 he
0:42
would die and as a six-year-old he was
0:44
terrified so we’re walking down the hall
0:47
and this woman looks at him and yells no
0:50
tears not knowing why he was crying and
0:53
I froze luckily because I think
0:56
otherwise I might have pounced on her
0:58
and as she walked by I managed to yell
1:00
tears are fine with me and I looked at
1:02
my son and I said it’s okay to cry
1:04
sweetie I know you’re afraid I don’t
1:08
think it’s a coincidence that a few days
1:10
later this woman’s son told me he got in
1:13
trouble for saying mean things to kids
1:14
three times that day people who are
1:18
hurting hurts others especially those
1:21
who aren’t allowed to express their hurt
1:23
and too often boys and men are told that
1:26
their hurt is unmanly or unattractive
1:29
and I believe this has led us to a
1:32
crisis where Mental Health America shows
1:34
suicide on the rise since the year 2000
1:37
it’s now the seventh leading cause of
1:39
death for males more than four times as
1:43
many men die from suicide as women and
1:45
the NC HS reports that one in ten men
1:49
experience depression or anxiety now not
1:54
all men turned to suicide and in the
1:56
past 15 years I’ve been a relationship
1:58
and leadership coach for men men often
2:00
come to me saying that things look
2:02
really good on the outside but parts of
2:05
them are dying on the inside and last
2:08
year and one month alone men said to me
2:11
things like I’m drinking alone at night
2:13
and I don’t want to tell my wife and
2:15
scare her the work commute the kids it’s
2:19
all killing me I got a promotion which
2:21
should be amazing but
2:22
don’t know how to navigate it I don’t
2:23
fit in anymore I’ve never had a
2:26
conversation about sex with my wife we
2:28
don’t have a sex life and I don’t know
2:29
how being a father is amazing but it’s
2:32
also really stressful to the point where
2:34
I feel like I could break so how do we
2:38
help men share this vulnerability
2:40
instead of hide it well I’ve been
2:43
working with this for the past 20 years
2:45
since I was doing a master’s degree in
2:47
psychology thinking I was going to work
2:49
with women and I was asked to facilitate
2:52
a workshop for men where men would come
2:55
to get honest feedback from women with
2:57
love and with care and it was born out
3:00
of an intentional community I was a part
3:02
of where we as optimistic young adults
3:06
were exploring vulnerability with topics
3:09
like attraction and rejection and
3:12
frustration and jealousy having
3:14
conversations that most people would
3:16
completely avoid and two of the men were
3:20
so impacted by this experience they felt
3:24
much more empowered they felt able to
3:26
connect they wanted other men to have
3:28
this experience as well and so they
3:31
created these workshops for men and at
3:33
the end of the first one we’re sitting
3:35
around in a circle about 20 men and
3:38
women and one of the men raises his hand
3:41
and with tears streaming down his face
3:43
he says when I came here this weekend I
3:46
didn’t know if I wanted to live anymore
3:49
I’ve been going through a painful
3:51
divorce I’ve been trying to raise my son
3:53
it’s been really awful but you saved me
3:56
you brought me back and you gave me hope
3:59
and when we asked him how he said you
4:04
didn’t walk away you didn’t shame you
4:06
didn’t attack my vulnerability you
4:09
welcomed my tears my despair even my
4:12
rage and since then this man has gone on
4:16
to raise his son and start new love
4:19
relationships and build new businesses
4:21
and I’ve had the amazing honor to work
4:25
with more than a thousand men who felt
4:27
safe to be vulnerable with me what I’ve
4:31
learned as a woman who welcomes
4:33
vulnerability is that it doesn’t promote
4:37
weakness or deflation it actually
4:40
supports men to step into their vitality
4:43
their power their empathy
4:45
it supports men to be kinder more
4:48
generous and more integrity in their
4:51
communities and in their families
4:54
luckily I am seeing many organizations
4:58
beautiful organizations where men are
5:00
bringing men together to share their
5:01
pain the mankind project is an amazing
5:04
one the young men’s ultimate weekend
5:06
they’re coming together so they don’t
5:08
have to be alone however we’re sending
5:11
men back into a world where many of us
5:13
are women and so the question is how do
5:17
we help women welcome men’s
5:20
vulnerability and how do we make it
5:21
safer for men as I was thinking about
5:25
this I thought back to the workshops
5:27
I’ve led for women where one of the
5:29
things I taught to the women’s dismay
5:31
was that if we want men to actually be
5:35
ok with our emotions that there’s often
5:38
some education involved and that it
5:42
takes some practice but eventually
5:44
simultaneously you can feel your
5:47
feelings witness your feelings and
5:49
communicate about what you need in the
5:52
midst of the feelings and so it could go
5:55
something like this I’ve been having a
5:57
really hard day I feel frustrated I feel
5:59
angry would you be willing to sit with
6:01
me for five minutes while I I might cry
6:04
I might scream I might talk I’m
6:07
definitely not going to attack you but
6:09
would you be willing to just listen and
6:11
not try to change or fix me or my
6:15
situation it’s simple not easy
6:18
especially when you’re in your most
6:20
upset moments but it’s doable and you
6:22
can learn it so the question I started
6:24
asking next was would this same
6:27
conversation work for men sharing their
6:30
vulnerability with women and what I
6:32
realized from all of the sessions and
6:34
the men coming to me I saw that the
6:37
cultural context of men’s vulnerability
6:40
being portrayed as weak or unmanly
6:43
has to be addressed because men come to
6:46
me saying that they’re terrified of
6:48
being undesired or being disrespected if
6:52
they share their vulnerability with the
6:53
women in their lives and so it reminds
6:57
me of an ask that I often see women
7:00
having of men will you please not see me
7:03
as crazy will you please not see me as
7:06
too much when I’m emotional there’s an
7:09
ask that men are bringing to me for
7:12
women and it is will you please see
7:15
beyond the cultural context that when I
7:17
share vulnerability with you I become
7:19
weak and will you please do what it
7:23
takes to be able to continue to love and
7:25
be attracted to me
7:27
when I’m fully human with you now
7:31
vulnerable conversations can be messy
7:33
and scary and so there’s a couple things
7:35
I’ve learned that I want you to know
7:37
that make vulnerable conversations go
7:39
better and that actually create
7:41
connection instead of sending people
7:43
running for the hills the first one is
7:46
that when you unravel the negative
7:49
beliefs and stories you have about
7:51
yourself there’s no longer anything to
7:53
prove or defend you don’t have to prove
7:56
that you’re good enough or strong enough
7:58
because you already know you are and so
8:01
you can let go of the fear of being
8:04
shamed or the apology for vulnerability
8:07
because you know that no one else’s
8:09
words or beliefs could actually touch
8:12
the innate goodness in you the second
8:16
one is that when you learn to be
8:19
comfortable with discomfort or when you
8:23
learn to actually be okay with
8:26
vulnerability you no longer do what I
8:28
call the puke or the dump which is often
8:32
what sends people running and so as you
8:35
become comfortable with vulnerability
8:37
you can actually relax and you start to
8:41
rest into your sovereignty or integrity
8:43
and actually take on oftentimes a kind
8:46
of kingly or a queenly quality where you
8:50
know that your vulnerability is only
8:52
part of who you are and so the people
8:54
you’re sharing with really get that
8:57
as well what I’ve learned in the past 15
9:01
years of working with men is that it’s
9:04
not enough to ask them to just express
9:06
their vulnerability without addressing
9:08
the cultural context that had them hold
9:10
it back in the first place and so that
9:13
means that we as women and people of all
9:15
genders have to really look at how we
9:17
perpetuate these cultural norms I used
9:21
to be afraid of men’s vulnerability I
9:23
was afraid that if a man was vulnerable
9:26
with me that meant he couldn’t protect
9:28
me or he couldn’t take care of me and so
9:30
I would get chaotic and emotional and
9:33
sadly block their vulnerability now
9:37
having dozens of men be vulnerable with
9:40
me and then turn around and hold my pain
9:43
when I needed it I know that this is
9:45
possible and so my mission is to have
9:49
every man’s heart held in his most
9:52
vulnerable places and I invited to
9:55
become our mission to create the
9:56
cultural changes necessary for men to
10:00
thrive and for no man to suffer silently
10:03
or alone and I believe that we need
10:07
women to be a part of this solution and
10:10
for our children and our boys to not
10:13
become a statistic of depression or of
10:16
suicide we have to help them understand
10:19
that vulnerability is not a weakness
10:20
that it’s a strength thank you
10:29
you
10:38
you

About Shana James:

For 15 years Shana has coached more than a thousand leaders, CEOs, authors, speakers and people with big visions to step into more powerful leadership, start and grow businesses, create more effective teams, increase their impact, get promoted, find love, rekindle spark, create a legacy and become more personally inspired and fulfilled. She is known for her ability to assess, in just a few minutes, the cause of dissatisfaction and stuck points in someone’s profession and love life.

Then she creates a clear and unique path for you to have true success and incredible love. Referred to as a secret weapon, she cuts through distraction and helps you access your confidence, power and clarity.

She is also a translator between women and men, providing effective tools to transform conversations and dynamics that have gone awry into connection and collaboration.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx