Why Validating Your Child’s Feelings Is the Most Important Skill You Need

No! NOOOOO! Ken crossed his arms and pouted. His little face scrunched up like a bulldog.

“Ken, I’m going to count to 5. If you don’t finish your food, you’re not watching Paw Patrol,” Mom grunted.

“Noooooooooooooo!” Ken raised his arms and punched the couch with all his might. “It’s not fair!”

“I’m counting to five. 1…2…3…” Ken sprang towards the mom and slapped her arm once, twice…Mom grabbed his arm. “Ken, what did I tell you! NO HITTING!”

Ken’s face puffed up and he wailed, tears racing down his cheeks.

“Why can’t you just do what I ask you to do!!” The mom placed her hands over her face, exhausted.

I hate to admit it. That was me a year ago.

I didn’t understand why my son was so keen on opposing me every single time. It was like he had an agenda of saying no to everything for the sake of irritating me.

How does a 3-year-old manage to create a substantial volcanic eruption of gooey chaos that leads to three scenarios without fail every time? — 1) Ken still doesn’t do what mom asked of him 2) Ken is still angry 3) Mom is fed up

Does that sound like a win-win situation?

My method wasn’t working. I had to do something if not for him, for my darn sanity.

A kid’s brain is wired differently

The lightbulb moment for me came when I read the prefrontal cortex of our brain isn’t fully developed until our 20s — yes, 20s! By the time a kid is 3 years old, their brain develops immensely for sure, but the prefrontal cortex still has a long way to go.

What’s so significant about the prefrontal cortex?

It’s responsible for planning, decision-making, determining good and bad behavior, consequences, emotional response to situations, attention, concentration, memory, and much more.

I could see why my son was having such a hard time. What adults take for granted — like stopping something when asked to stop or doing something when asked to do it — is not an easy feat for a child.

I don’t expect my dog to type on a keyboard. He doesn’t have the brain of a human being. Same notion. I was treating my son like he had an adult brain.

It all made sense.

 From controlling to connecting

I had another breakthrough moment when I read an article written by Dr. Gabor Mate, a renowned psychologist and author specializing in childhood development and trauma.

He says “outrageous behavior, rage displays, tantrums are always symptomatic of some frustration the child is experiencing, a frustration the child is either unable to identify or to explain in words.”

That’s where validating feelings come in. As an adult, I’m sure you can relate. Have you ever been with someone who sucks at acknowledging your feelings? Doesn’t it suck? Doesn’t make you feel heard or understood, right?

As much as it may be for our adult brain to comprehend, that’s how a child feels. When a child doesn’t feel understood or heard, they lash out and feel disconnected from their caretaker, says Mate.

And, when they feel a disconnection, they look to their peers for support instead of their parents. As you can see, this creates a downward spiral in the parent-child relationship.

Validating means identifying the feeling

Were your feelings acknowledged as a child? Mine wasn’t.

As an adult, I find it difficult to trust my feelings. Sometimes I don’t even know how I’m feeling. I only know when I snap at my husband. When he yells back, I yell back. When he is calm and empathetic, I calm down.

It’s the same for a child. I know because I’ve been trying it out on my son for the last year. Let’s take the same scenario from above to show you how I changed tactics:

No! NOOOOO!!! Ken crossed his arms and pouted. His little face scrunched up like a bulldog.

“Ken, what’s wrong, sweetheart?” Mom asked.

“Noooooooooooooo!!!” Ken raised his arms and punched the couch with all his might. “It’s not fair!!!”

“It looks like you’re angry because mama asked you to finish eating your food. Am I right?”

“Yeah.” Ken says, wiping his tears.

“You’re angry. I understand. It sucks when you have to do something you don’t want to do.”

“I don’t want to eat!” Ken snapped.

“Okay, are you not hungry anymore?”

“Not hungry!”

“It’s okay, you don’t need to eat anymore. But, this is our last meal today. You might be hungry later. Are you sure you don’t want another bite?”

“Okay, one bite.”

“Okay, come here.” Ken takes a bite of his food.

“Do you want more?”

“No.”

“Okay, We’ll go to bed soon. What do you want to do before we go to bed?

“Play, play!! I want to play with mama!”

“Sweetheart, mama has to clean the kitchen. Can you play by yourself? Mama will read your favorite book before bedtime.”

“Yayyyy!” Ken goes to his room to play.

You’re not perfect and your child ain’t either

If you’re a parent guilty of invalidating your child, it’s okay. The fact is that we learned and modeled this behavior through our parents. I’m not saying it’s their fault.

Our parents grew up in a time when controlling a kid meant good parenting. They were never taught to listen or validate a child’s feelings. They would have scoffed at the idea of it.

As modern parents, we know better. Doesn’t mean I’m perfect. There are times when I still snap at my child and that’s okay. It happens.

The point is consistent positive modeling. And there are times when despite staying calm and nurturing his feelings, things don’t go smoothly.

The cool thing is when I started validating my boy’s feelings, I learned to validate mine. In return, I’m a calmer, happier mother. And a happier mother is a happier woman is a happier papa and a happier child.

Paying it forward

A few days ago, when I was picking my son up from kindergarten I witnessed something beautiful.

His friend, Melissa, didn’t want him to go home. She said she wanted to come home with my son. Naturally, I said that’s not possible.

My son whispered in my ear. “Mama, Melissa is sad. She wants to come home with us.” I said, yes, that’s true.

Then, he ran to Melissa, hugged her and said, “It’s okay. You’re sad.”

I welled up.

The Takeaway

• A child doesn’t have an adult brain and cannot understand and comprehend like an adult.
• Validating a child’s feelings by identifying the feeling and empathizing help calm the child and connect with the parent.
• When a child’s feelings are validated, they thrive emotionally and trust their feelings.

Now, go practice!

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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