What’s in a Name?

December 30, 2022

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.” William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

“I have introduced you to everyone as Ernest. You answer to the name of Ernest. You look as if your name was Ernest. You are the most earnest looking person I ever saw in my life. It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn’t Ernest.” — Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

Getting A Name

It’s funny, isn’t it? The importance we place on the names we give our children — people we haven’t even met yet. Sometimes that name suits the person perfectly. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes the name has been passed down through many generations. Some are culturally or religiously significant.

When I was pregnant with my first-born, one of our baby shower games was a “Pick the Name” activity. Guests picked their favorites for our consideration and most of them were totally acceptable choices. Of course, I’d already chosen a name I liked. A Biblical name, though the source of my choice was a book written by a well-known sci-fi/fantasy author.

Not to break with tradition, when I had my second child, I chose another Biblical name–this one came from a rock song about a stalker.

These names meant something to me, but had nothing to do with my religious or spiritual views. But oh the assumptions people made. And I’m not going to lie, I enjoyed telling the real story behind those names if for no other reason to see their reactions.

Naming traditions vary greatly around the world. In some cultures, babies are always named after maternal or paternal grandparents. In others,it’s common to have several members of the same family with different last names. In some places, babies are not given names until after birth–in some cases a month or more later.

As you can see, there are a variety of naming traditions in this world. And names can be loaded with the expectations, hopes, and dreams of the namer, which may or may not represent the person who has to wear the name.

Having A Name

In many cases, we name our children long before birth and we often base our naming choices upon learning the sex of our unborn child–usually at around 20 weeks gestation. So what happens when that little boy we’ve been waiting for comes out a girl? What if the ultrasound was wrong? It happens all the time.

When did sex and gender become interchangeable anyway? Let’s look at it another way — we often name our baby based on the anatomy seen on a fuzzy ultrasound screen when said fetus is barely the size of a banana. And that name will likely follow that human-being-in-progress throughout its life. It’s a sobering thought given that names are a primary piece of identifying information for humans.

The connection between name and identity is strong. How we feel about ourselves and the names that people call us are inextricably linked. That’s why “name calling” is hurtful. When someone chooses to belittle us or mock us by using a name that does not belong to us–often a derogatory or otherwise abusive label–it chips away at our sense of self-worth.

In the Stanford Prison Experiment of 1971, the participants who’d been chosen to be inmates were stripped of their names and, instead, given numbers. Why? Because it diminishes their humanity. The experiment was shut down early based on the amount of violence and cruelty being inflicted within the walls of the fictitious prison. Subjects who knew that they were part of a scientific experiment became so unhinged that the whole operation had to be shut down for safety’s sake.

Unfortunately, human history is full of real examples of this phenomena.

If having a name and having the right to be called by that name are so important to our humanity, then having a choice in the matter becomes essential to our feeling of personhood. If not, stripping us of our names wouldn’t have such a harmful effect.

It’s not as if choosing a new name is rare. After all, many people go by nicknames or shortened versions of their given names. I come from a big close-knit Mexican family where everyone has a nickname. I didn’t even know many of my great-uncles’ given names until I was a teenager.

In some industries and professions, people are called by their last name. As a college student, one of my favorite professors called me Roberts exclusively. It took a while to get used to, and now it’s not even applicable. Bottom line: names change.

Choosing A Name

There are many instances under which our names change over time. When we marry, we may choose to take the name of our partner. In the not too distant past, this wasn’t a choice–a woman was required to take her husband’s name, thus diminishing her ties to the family she was born into. As women’s roles and rights changed, the importance of being able to choose whether or not to change her last name in marriage became a question of autonomy and agency. As women were no longer seen as the property either of their parents or their husband, they had the right to choose what they’d be called.

There are processes for changing one’s name–legal processes that allow a person to choose this very important and basic piece of identifying information. There are a few prohibitions, mostly having to do with safeguarding against abuses that might be perpetrated by choosing a name that also implies a role or position in society, or one that attempts to impersonate someone else. But largely, the choice of one’s name is a personal decision and one supported by law. Simply asking to be called by a different name in school, at work, or by friends and family is an informal but equally effective method for many.

But what if the name doesn’t reflect the person’s gender?

This seems to be a matter of contention, especially in recent years. There are so many implications to a change in name–from marriage status to gender identification to simple personal preference–and everyone seems to have an opinion. When these opinions are rooted in religious beliefs, a matter of identity can become so entangled in morality and spirituality that it’s hard to see the space between.

For the sake of this discussion, I’d like to separate the two. In cases of marital status, adoption, and even personal preference, name changes have become a matter of procedure. The debate often reaches a crescendo when gender identity is part of the equation. Religious views aside, a person’s gender identity and their name are not necessarily tied to one another. History shows us many examples of names that do not conform to their assumed gender–think a man named Carol or Sandy, or a woman named Sean or Daryl.

Which, perhaps, begs the question, how do names become associated with gender? A friend of mine suggested that gender is a social construct that has more to do with division of labor and assigned roles in society than it has to do with a person’s individual preferences or inclinations. I agree. And because gender has been used to oppress and obstruct, is it no wonder that the genderfication of names can be an issue.

Picture this–a woman writing books in a male-dominated genre may choose a gender-neutral or even a masculine pen name in order to give her books the best chance of success in the market. What does this say about names and gender? Clearly, choosing to go by a name that is associated with a specific gender can have both positive and negative effects on the person named.

Knowing the potential power that a name has, is it any wonder that people change their names all the time to suit their circumstances?

Maybe the real question we need to ask ourselves is what drives us to call a person by their preferred name, given or chosen.

Respecting A Name

If we accept that names are important, then, is it really unthinkable that we ask the people we know to respect what we prefer to be called?

The Oxford dictionary defines respect as “due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.” To respect a person’s chosen name is to have regard for their feelings and wishes, something that ought to be present in any healthy relationship.

Choosing to call a person by a name that makes them feel less than, small, or otherwise unheard is an act of bullying, plain and simple. It is the absence of respect. Showing a person respect by calling them by the name they prefer has nothing to do with, nor does it impact, the caller’s belief system. Whatever the implications of the name change, or lack thereof, are personal.

Imagine a boy who’s been referred to as Junior his whole life because his name is also the name of his father and grandfather. If he chooses to go by his given name at some point in his adolescence, would we tell him no? How about a young man called Johnny who wants to shed what feels like a childish nickname in order to go by what he deems a more mature name–John. These examples seem simple and yet they illustrate the complicated feelings that a person has about their name, and, dare I say, their identity.

When it comes right down to it, do we really have any right to scrutinize or place judgment on the internal conflicts a person might have with their identity in order to show them respect? What is gained by denying a person the most basic regard for how they identify themselves–calling them by their chosen name? Perhaps you’ll feel that I’m overreacting, but to me, refusing to call a person by their name or making a choice to mispronounce or otherwise change their name is tantamount to saying they are not a person deserving of equal treatment or respect.

So, what’s in a name?

Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. But I think names provide us an opportunity to show love and acceptance of our fellow humans. Calling a person by the name they’ve chosen provides us a chance to acknowledge their person-ness, their humanity.

If your child tells you their very well-thought out reasons why they’d like to be called by something other than the name you gave them, will you respect their wishes? As a parent, I’ve worked very hard to nurture an open, honest relationship with my kids. I don’t harbor any fantasies that they’re going to tell me everything, but I’ve given them reason to trust that I can be a safe place for them to be heard and seen.

In a world where we are inundated with internal and external pressures and expectations, who we are and how we identify ourselves–including what we choose to be called–is fundamental to our mental and emotional wellbeing.

There’s a simple answer to the question “what’s in a name?”

The right to be.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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