3 Signs the Spark in Your Relationship Is Dead


They say time heals all wounds. But time can also be a destructive force.

Those of you who have been in a long-term relationship, like me, will be well aware of the difficulties that come with maintaining a loving union for a long period.

There will undoubtedly come a point in your relationship when you look yourself in the mirror and ask:

“What the hell happened?”

The passing of time will hit you like a sledgehammer to the skull and you’ll be in shock at just how differently you feel from the start of your relationship to the present moment. A lot of the time, these feelings are directly linked to your partner.

In other words, something has changed between you. You might not even be able to nail down exactly what that is, but something just isn’t adding up the way it used to.

It could be a shared feeling of comradery. It could be the sexual heat between the pair of you. It could be the sense of humor you once laughed endlessly over.

But if something major is missing, it usually adds up to one thing: The spark in your relationship is dead or dying.

I used to have a friend who didn’t believe in ‘the spark.’ He said it was a made-up word contestants use on reality dating shows as an excuse not to “hook up” with someone.

He never had much luck with love or women. Can you tell?

It might not be clearly definable, but I believe the spark is real and it’s something couples should focus on maintaining at all costs, if they hope to keep the relationship in a healthy place. Or keep the relationship alive at all.

So whether you’ve been with your partner for one year or one hundred years, here are a few things you should look out for if you’re worried the spark in your relationship is dead.

Sex has become a chore

We all love sex. Well, most of us anyway…

It’s a great way to relieve stress, get intimate with your significant other, and, let’s be honest, have a damn good time in the process.

But most relationships run through ‘dry patches’ where little or no sex at all winds up happening. What was once your favorite frisky pass time between the sheets has been reduced to something that’s saved for once in a blue moon. If you’re lucky.

And when it does finally come time to do the deed, one or neither of you are particularly in the mood. You look at sex as something that you should do, as opposed to something you’re excited to do.

Sex has become a chore.

This can create a heck of a lot of friction for several reasons. Especially if one party in the relationship cares about the act of sex more than the other on an emotional level. Or, to be frank, if one person is way hornier regularly than the other.

There will likely have been some issues with the love-making in question before it hits the above-described wall, but this can happen to any couple at any time, for a whole host of reasons:

  • Stress
  • Overworking
  • Constant arguing
  • Tiredness
  • Anxiousness. And so on.

If this is the case, it’s important to sit down with your partner to discuss the problem, or make them aware of it if they’re blissfully in the dark.

Talk about why you feel this might have happened openly and honestly. This often involves analyzing other aspects of your relationship. But once you think you’ve gotten to the root cause of the problem, you can finally act.

A good tip I once heard from a sex therapist is to set aside a few hours each week that are specifically dedicated to sex and intimacy.

No phones, no TV, no distractions.

The only objective of the game during these hours is pure romance and pleasure. What more could you ask for?

By paying more attention to the act of love-making you’ll be giving yourself the best chance to rediscover what you loved about sharing yourself physically with your partner in the first place. You may even discover something totally new sex-wise you never even knew you enjoyed before.

In turn, hopefully, this should set you on your way to reigniting the spark you’ve lost.

You don’t make an effort to share each others’ company

Anybody in any loving relationship knows the importance of spending time with your partner. You can’t expect two magnets to stick together if they’re constantly being pushed apart, right?

Both sides of the coin should be making a conscious effort to spend time with the other. Whether it’s snuggling up on the couch after a hard day’s work to watch Netflix, or heading out for a romantic night on the town.

But what happens when moments like these suddenly die down? When you’re not spending enough time in each other’s company anymore, if any?

What makes matters even worse is when this is not an organic shift… When one person (or both people) simply stop giving a hoot about spending time together.

Again, this usually comes off of the back of other issues in the relationship, but can also be a result of time taking its toll and complacency setting in.

Either way, couples should enjoy each other’s company and make a solid effort for that to happen at least a couple of times a week. If someone is not making the effort, there’s a serious problem to be addressed.

Take an outsider’s perspective when looking at your own life and analyze the reasons why you feel the pair of you never seem to spend any quality time together anymore, if this is the case for you.

Is there animosity between the two of you? Are your work schedules getting in the way? Or are you simply deflated at the thought of doing anything at all?

Figuring out the baseline problem is always the best place to start. Even if the problem is easy to solve, at least you’ll be giving yourself a fighting chance.

Your eyes are wandering more than usual

Do you remember the time you first set eyes on your partner? That strange sense of excitement and anxiety that made your chest feel like it was going to explode?

And make something in your pants explode, too…

Love at first sight isn’t always the case. But I’d make a stronger case for attraction at first sight any day of the week.

Chances are you were uncontrollably attracted to your current partner at the start of your courting. That’s why the sex always seems to be so insatiable in the beginning; You quite literally can’t keep your hands off of each other.

The bond that’s created by a combination of love and lust at the start is so powerful, it normally takes a while for it to wear off. Hence why a lot of men and women in loving relationships wait years to cheat, if they ever do.

But when it finally does wear off, or wanes slightly, it can create a domino effect that should probably be avoided.

If you find yourself constantly allured by other people outside of your couple, when you’re in a happily monogamous relationship, it could be a sign that the spark we talked about has flickered out.

Don’t get me wrong, taking a cheeky look at other people is perfectly normal. We can all appreciate beauty in all its forms.

But if this behavior develops into something more intense, like an active desire to seek sexual gratification with someone else, something is wrong.

If you fall under this category, ask yourself why you might be feeling this way, what you could do about it, and seek the help of a relationship counselor if needs be.

The educated word of a professional isn’t always the answer you’re looking for, but they’re almost always uniquely qualified to help dig you out of any hole you may have dug for yourself and your partner.

To sum up:

  • Keeping the spark alive in your relationship should be a priority, even if it’s to a lesser degree than before.
  • When times get tough, the thought of sex can be rough (pun intended). Try setting aside dedicated time each week to enjoy each other physically to rediscover your sexual desires.
  • Spending time with each other is essential if you still enjoy each other’s company. If you don’t, it’s time to put your relationship under the microscope.
  • Admiration of others is fine. But an insatiable attraction to someone outside of your relationship can be poisonous. Be honest with yourself and what you want and ask for help if you need to.

Previously Published on medium

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