Most of us can say we’ve had at least one relationship that started off with fireworks. Like, there was an undeniable sexual chemistry, and you couldn’t wait to get into each other’s pants. (C’mon, it had to have happened to you at least once.)
Now let me ask you something: are you still in that relationship? If so, cool! If not, how long did it last? Probably not that long, from my guess.
That’s because when you’re extremely hot and heavy out of the gate, it’s hard to maintain that pace. Right now, your hormones are raging, your dopamine is pumping — you can’t stop smiling. You’re basically high from the physical connection.
This is commonly known as the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship. It’s when neither of you can do wrong, and you can’t wait to get back into bed together. This part of the relationship is often the most exciting, although it can vary in length. For some couples, the raging fire burns out after a few months. For others, it’s years.
And then what?
Sexual excitement naturally fades over time. It’s kind of like trying a new drug: its effects are obvious at first, but they dull over time with the same dose. It doesn’t mean the “medication” isn’t still useful.
If you commit to a partner — either by marriage or pinky swear — expect a lot of repetition and routine. You get to know the person more, and recognize their flaws.
When the euphoric cocktail of chemistry dissolves from your brain after the “Honeymoon”, the reality sets in. There’s bills, rents, mortgages, and maybe even kids involved. There’s the being in each other’s way sometimes. There’s the quiet disapproval of some of their habits. But there’s also a familiarity and understanding that can’t be faked or rushed.
These are all beautiful things that bring comfort, if you’re willing to put the work in.
However, I see modern dating swinging more and more towards superficiality. It’s become very easy to “shop” for a potential partner, and swipe them off your screen if they’re not pretty enough. (Full disclaimer: I met my spouse online, and although her cuteness attracted me, her well-written profile was also a winner.)
Social media is constantly throwing thirst traps at us, and the media in general is filled with superficial messages about body image. That said, a lot of people are choosing their next potential partner based on looks and status. Those are things partners can brag about — but the party will end eventually.
Long-term love requires a conscious commitment
Love is a choice. It’s forged into our actions, also giving us a sense of purpose and stability.
Lust is based much more on the brain’s reward system. Once you get the reward — whether it’s an orgasm or a deep, intimate conversation — you want more of it. The next dose of pleasure might come from the same source, but at some point you may move on to a new one.
It’s no surprise then that the divorce rate is growing, if we look at married couples as an indication of long-term relationship success. There are so many distractions on social media and elsewhere, and let’s face it — men aren’t doing so well.
If your baseline is lust, you’ll probably slurp up more of those thirst traps, and possibly cave in to one of them. If it’s based more on love, then you’ll more likely respect your partner, and act within your agreed upon boundaries. It doesn’t mean you can’t be tempted — but real love overrules temptation.
Lust and love can work in harmony, but they can also be opposing forces. It’s true that keeping things exciting sexually in a long-term, loving relationship can be a challenge. Luckily, there are several ways you can try to spark the sexual flames again (spoilers: one of the ways is by loving yourself more, and another is to communicate with your partner.)
Being in a long partnership definitely doesn’t mean you can’t have an active love life. In fact, a quarter of surveyed married couples said they have sex at least once a week (read the linked article for more context on age.)
However, if you’re planning on making it to “long-term” status — then you need more than physical touch. You need trust, you need sacrifice, and you need compromise. You need to laugh at each other’s jokes (okay, she’s actually funny), and sit through some of the shows you don’t love.
In return, you get someone who has your back, someone who knows your flaws and accepts them, someone that will act in your best interest. Someone who loves you back.
In short, lust can exist within love — but love does not always exist within lust. Consider this when you start dating your next catch.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
 What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Joey Nicotra on Unsplash
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