How To Build a Community That Will Actually Show Up for You

January 06, 2022

Jamie was surprised. He thought his friendships were solid. He was never short of people to hang out with and never had to wonder if people liked him. They did. They told him this all the time.

Yet, when his girlfriend unexpectedly broke up with him and told him that he needed to vacate her home ASAP, no one offered to help him out. He was especially surprised because another friend in our friend group, Derek, had also lost his accommodation unexpectedly a few weeks earlier and the offers had poured in. People practically begged Derek to live with them.

Jamie and Derek are part of a tight-knit climbing group. There was never any conflict in the group and both are well-liked and well-respected climbers. Jamie felt that people treated him and Derek equally in their social group. So, what gives?

Unbeknownst to Jamie, our friend group had actually talked about this. We, too, were surprised by our reactions. Why didn’t we offer the same thing to Jamie that we did to Derek? Outwardly, they were extremely similar people. They were the same age, had the same background, and had comparable financial situations.

So, was it because we didn’t like Jamie as much? The answer was a resounding no. We did like him and knew that he was clean and responsible but…?

As we did our own share of soul searching, the answers became apparent. Though Jamie and Derek were very similar individuals, they were extremely different friends. Derek was always a friend first, while Jamie was always an individual first.

Here are some things Jamie did that you can learn from to build your own community. But first, it’s important to understand that not all relationships are built the same. Just like buildings, in order to build robust and lasting structures, you must have the correct building blocks.

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The Three Types of Relationships According to Aristotle

The Greek Philosopher Aristotle states that there are three types of relationships:

Friendships of Utility

The first is friendships of utility. These friendships exist because they serve a function or we need them to conduct our life. Everyone has these friendships — they are your colleagues that you work with every day, the people on your ultimate frisbee team, or your church members. Typically, an activity or recurring event holds the relationship together but when you stop playing frisbee or quit your job, the friendship fades.

Friendships of Pleasure

The second type is friendships of pleasure. These are the people you hit it off with right away, love to go partying with, or who make you pee your pants laughing every time you see them. These friendships exist for as long as it is fun. You’ll feel the distance with these people as soon as you have a child and can no longer stay out partying or when you are struggling with mental health and are no longer a ray of sunshine to be around.

Friendships of Virtue

Finally, there are the friendships of virtue. Translated in today’s words, these would be the “Ride or Die” friendships. We’re in these friendships not because we need these people or only because they are fun but because we deeply respect and admire them. These are the ones who see you for who you are and love you for it. They will be there for you through thick and thin, sometimes even when you push them away.

In case you haven’t figured it out, these are the ones you must learn to choose and invest in to build a solid community.

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Small and Simple Steps You Can Take Every Day

One of the reasons our friend group initially struggled to understand the difference in our feelings towards Derek versus Jamie was because the things Derek did that strengthened the relationships were often subtle. Jamie and Derek were both good at the obvious things — birthdays, moving assistance, and organizing climbing trips but only Derek did the small things consistently. He did them when no one asked, and often when no one would know. Here are some of Derek’s actions that ultimately forged his community:

Paying attention to the needs of others and offering help before being asked — About half of our friend group had moved houses this year. We realized that Derek would always be the first to offer to help. He wouldn’t say, “Let me know if you need help,” instead he would insist, “I’ve cleared my Saturday and borrowed my dad’s truck. What time should I come?” Actionable steps: Try to anticipate the needs of others and be intentional about wanting to help. For example, if you have a sick friend, you might offer a very specific type of help like walking their dog or picking up medication.
Noticing other people’s feelings and checking in — Separate to physical needs, a true community feels emotionally connected and attuned to each other. Derek was always feeling the pulse of the room. An example of a message I would get from Derek might be, “Hey, I noticed you seemed unlike your usual bubbly self today. Everything OK?” Actionable steps: Understand the baseline personality and energy levels of your friends and check-in when there is a shift or simply make it a point to see how they’re doing regularly.
Balancing the ratio of listening and being heard — I hung out with both Derek and Jamie separately on the day I discovered that my dad’s cancer had spread. It was on my mind and I wanted to talk about it. Jamie had just finished an amazing climb and was over the moon about it. In the 3 hours I spent with him, he never once asked how I was doing. I later noticed that though we spoke regularly, he had missed asking about several major events in my life. The conversation with Derek was the complete opposite. He immediately sense my restlessness and kept prodding to help me process my emotions.Actionable steps: The next occasion that you spend time with friends, make sure to pay attention to how much you talk about yourself versus asking about others. You can always say, “What about you?” to easily flip the focus back to the other person.
Actively building events to connect— Something else that we noticed was that Derek always organized get-togethers while Jamie did not. Jamie was always the first to initiate a climbing trip (i.e. an act of utility) but never once organized events for people to purely connect. Derek went out of his way to connect like-minded people with each other and build a group culture. Actionable steps: If you don’t see yourself as a social butterfly, just remember that this works even with as little as three people and a movie as an activity. Intentions often speak louder than outcomes.
Putting others’ needs first — Jamie and Derek are both vegans. There are far more non-vegans than vegans in our friend group and the food is often mostly non-vegan. At our regular dinner parties, I began noticing that Jamie would always be the front of the line. Derek, on the other hand, knew that vegan food was limited and would always wait to make sure everyone had their fill before piling on his plate. Actionable steps: Try to consider the group over yourself when joint decisions are being made. For example, although you might like pizza,try suggesting a seafood restaurant that you know most of your friends love instead.
Remembering things that are important to others— Whether it was something as important as your father having surgery or a big date you were excited about or a simple presentation you were nervous about — Derek would remember to check-in and ask about it. Sometimes a book might show up at your doorstep simply because you had mentioned it the last time you spoke to him. He is also one of the few people that makes an effort to read all my articles. Actionable steps: Take note the next time someone tells you about something they are passionate about and try to bring it up next time.
Helping others become the best version of themselves— Many in our friend group started side hustles during the pandemic and we realized that Derek was the person who would write reviews for every webpage, read every article, or promote every product. His support wasn’t just in words but in his clear and consistent follow-through actions as well. Actionable steps: Next step a friend says, “I really want to start X, offer to do a follow-up action like being their accountability party or support crew.”
Creating a judgment-free space —By far, one of Derek’s superpowers is his ability to be non-judgmental. He is someone who will listen as you wallow in your shame and guilt and make you feel fully accepted for who you are. Many of us have shared mistakes of cheating on our partners, bad financial decisions, or stupid actions with Derek. Instead of responding with advice, he simply helps us find self-compassion for ourselves. Actionable steps: The next time your friend comes to you with a past mistake, resist the urge to tell them what they should have done. Instead, remind them of the ways in which they are good people. By initiating this space within the relationship, you are ensuring that you will also have a non-judgmental space when you need it.
Sharing vulnerability and regulating negativity — Many people often confuse negativity with vulnerability. While openly sharing tough feelings is important, constantly blaming others and projecting a victim mentality on your friends is not. Derek and Jaime started an initiative that ultimately ended up failing. Though both felt disheartened, Derek owned his part of the mistakes and stayed curious about opportunities to learn. Jaime, on the other hand, would fill entire conversations with how it was other peoples’ fault. Watching the same facts narrated so differently was eye-opening. Actionable steps: Next time you need to blow off steam, notice if you’re playing the victim or drowning your friends in drama. If you are, stop and try to seek out opportunities to own your part in the situation. This self-awareness will help them trust that they will always be treated fairly in unfortunate situations between the two of you.
Doing nice things, just because — If you’re Derek’s friend, you’ll just know that every once in a while, a nice surprise will be popping up. It may be a lovely home-baked loaf of bread, a funny card, or even a video montage of your best moments that year. Actionable steps: Try to link something you are good at doing with a thoughtful gift for a friend (e.g. baking cakes). If you are not especially sentimental, you could also do acts of service like drive a friend to the airport, help them clear the branches in their backyard, or randomly buy them a six-pack of beer.

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Takeaway

The most obvious thing that we all agreed about Derek was this — he did it without expectation of anything back. His actions were borne of love and care and not of necessity or selfish desire.

To be clear, it wasn’t that he was a doormat who never set boundaries. In fact, he is excellent at communicating them. He wouldn’t do everything you wanted him to do but he would do everything he could.

He once shared with me that his philosophy on friendships is very simple. He said,

I used to ask, “What can I gain from this relationship? But now, I ask, “What can I give to this relationship?”

“If you simply let this question guide you in every relationship, every day — you will have your community. People will prioritize you if you prioritize them. It’s that simple,” he said.

Are you a Jamie or Derek? Does your community beg to be there for you or do you need to plead with them to help?

If you have felt the strain of hardship this year and observed your lack of a safety net to catch you, set yourself a resolution to start giving to your friendships today. It will make all the difference in your life.

“If you want to go quickly, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” — African Proverb

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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