How to Properly Cook Rice

December 07, 2019

00:02
Important things to know
00:04
before attempting to date an African,
00:07
or how to properly cook rice.
00:13
One You must cook rice.
00:15
Two Africans like to speak in metaphors,
00:20
so I was very surprised when my mother wanted to disown me
00:23
after I told her, Im going to become an artiste,
00:26
when shes always saying things like,
00:30
The smartest goat in the room
00:34
is the one who understands the flow of the river.
00:38
Im like, What the hell does that mean?
00:42
It means go wash the damn dishes, you stupid goat!
00:45
Three
00:48
Whether were 3 feet or 300 feet from you,
00:50
we are always megaphone-parade loud.
00:53
Our voices project like a howling typhoon,
00:56
filled with all of the anger and plight of all of Africa.
00:58
Whispering is as foreign as we are,
01:01
our voices molded in accented thunder
01:04
probably because for so long history only shamed us into silence.
01:08
Four You must cook rice.
01:11
Five At one point in life,
01:13
were all supposed to be doctors or lawyers.
01:15
If you ever meet the parents, make sure you uphold this.
01:18
Do not give them a reason, reminder of how
01:20
insert less-than-stellar six-figure paying profession here
01:23
does not pay the bills.
01:24
And, We did not send you to America to become Cameroonian Shakespeare,
01:29
shag your pants, listen to that [Jersey] stuff,
01:31
or try to make babies with all of the women.
01:33
Six
01:35
Dont call it soccer. Call it football!
01:38
Real Madrid versus Barcelona. La Coupe dAfrique.
01:41
Tottenham versus Liverpool.
01:43
When the World Cup is in progress nothing else matters, yall, nothing.
01:46
Seven You must cook rice.
01:49
Eight Africans have no concept of time,
01:53
for to meet at 10 a.m. it really means 1 p.m.
01:56
Make sure you plan everything at least three hours in advance.
01:59
Nine All weddings, parties, and gatherings involving any sort of music
02:04
last for at least three days,
02:06
probably because everybody showed up late.
02:08
But you will dance until you grow blisters on your feet
02:14
the size of African liberation.
02:16
We dance, and we dance, and we love to dance
02:19
because we understand that music is the undying essence of freedom.
02:23
Ten Despite the ugly shade of calculated misfortune,
02:29
or the drag of empty often [railing] from our eyes,
02:32
we are more than just HIV commercials,
02:35
more than just, For 30 cents a day you can feed this hungry caricature,
02:39
more than just a grain dropped in colonizations pot
02:42
with a flame of guilt swaying under.
02:44
But, like my Momma always said,
02:48
(speaks in French)
02:51
If you cannot cook anything else,
02:54
you must cook rice.
02:57
Thank yall so much! Yall beautiful!
02:59
(cheers and applause)

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