I found a man that loved me at my heaviest weight.
Dreamy, right?
Wrong.
…
Inthe beginning, my ex-boyfriend was supportive of the idea of me losing weight in an “if that’s what you want to do then I support you” kind of way. But if he wanted to eat out and I had planned to cook a healthy meal, that support would sour.
Sometimes he would get frustrated and say,
It’s just one meal.
It’s not going to kill you.
Anyone who has struggled to break a habit knows that “just one” can be dangerous.
“Just one” can undo progress.
It’s kind of like taking off a pair of jeans and putting on a comfy pair of pajama pants. Why would you want to put the jeans back on when you can stay in your pajamas?
Photo by C. Z. Shi on Unsplash
The arguments that would ensue if I stood my ground were rough. I would wonder:
Why do I have to justify this? I thought I had his support?
Of course, I wanted to give in and say, “yeah, thanks, pizza sounds good,” and sit down and watch TV after a long day at work. I didn’t want to spend half an hour sweating in the kitchen cooking a meal he wasn’t going to appreciate.
These arguments with him chipped away at my willpower. They may have been a contributing factor to my failed weight loss attempts.
Things between us became more brittle as I lost weight.
His support had been based on hypothetical circumstances. I don’t think he thought I would actually lose weight. I can see why — I had made many attempts before with no real long-term commitment.
…
One night, I came home from work and we were talking in the bedroom. I was unbuttoning a flannel shirt. Under it was a fitted shirt.
“Woah,” my ex commented. “You’ve lost a lot of weight!”
“Yeah, it’s noticeable in this shirt. That’s why I wore the flannel. Didn’t want to deal with attention from the coworkers about it.”
He sneered a bit. “That’s sad. You shouldn’t care what those people think.”
I deflated a bit. Was it sad to care?
Sometimes I still wonder.
Photo by Bethany Legg on Unsplash
Did my being plus-sized make him feel more secure in our relationship? Did he think no one else would want me as long as I weighed more than x amount of pounds?
I used to think he was body-positive, but maybe I was wrong.
Maybe he was just insecure.
Does it matter to you if the love you receive is conditional?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Omar Lopez on Unsplash
The post How Weight Loss Changed Our Relationship for The Worse appeared first on The Good Men Project.
