My Simple 3-Step Solution to Complicated Modern Dating Problems


I write for heterosexual audiences who find themselves in the online dating world hoping to find a compatible partner. If you are currently single, and want a relationship, consider giving me a follow or subscribe to my stories. I believe in love and that prevention is better than cure. Working on your marriage begins before you’re in a marriage.

Ads like the one in the above image are flooding my IG feed. I almost sprayed the chai in my mouth onto my phone. Lol. Of course, there were lots of comments from the ladies on those ads. Valentine’s day is upon us!

A bit of history for you. My husband and I were very lucky to find each other through a dating app. But it’s rare that that would happen for you if you’re not clear about what you’re looking for. Both my husband and I knew what we wanted from being on a dating app, and we were friends before we became lovers.

In a working relationship with us, the first thing we would look into is clarity in what you’re looking for.

The second thing I get into is the history of problematic relationship patterns and trauma from past relationship, if any. My husband helps serious online daters with their dating profile photos and bios to increase their chances of finding a decent match.

Your dating profile should convey exactly what you want if you want to filter out the bad apples. We are here of you want help on your dating journey to find yourself a good match.

In this story, I’m going to talk about why the profiles in the above ad come across to me red flags right off the bat. Then we’ll explore the problems you’re coming across on your dating journey, and look into possible solutions for you.

Now let’s look at our handsome eye-candy-dates, one by one.

1. Paul, 50

It says, currently online and looking for a flirt. A 50 year old guy who is looking for a flirt is definitely not looking for a serious relationship. I’m sure that’s obvious to you. Look at his body language, his arms are crossed. A closed off body language is turn off. My husband thinks he looks angry.

He has commitment issues. There are several reasons for people to not be in a relationship at his age. But it’s important to note that the reasons are different for men and women. Which means that men have been intentionally fucking different women over the years for the sake of concurring pussies.

As for the women, they have been making the wrong choices in men during their dating years. There’s lack of taking responsibility for their actions. Then they rationalize by saying that they proactively wanted to have sex with no commitment, thinking that they can behave just like the men.

We have seen how that’s turned out.

2. James, 48

Omg! Look at the cute yorkie he’s holding! Awww! He loves dogs! Me too! Yorkies are my favorite! He’s online. Let’s talk to him!

And that’s exactly why a photo like this is a red flag. Men are intentional with the photos they use in their dating profile. And hope that the dog will get the conversational ball rolling for him, to roll into women’s pants.


3. John, 40

With a sweet face like that, he couldn’t hurt a bird! And it says on his profile, he’s looking for a relationship! Aww!

What is a sweet face like him doing on a dating site? How come he’s not taken already? Again, men will say things on their dating profiles that women want to see, just to get the ball rolling.

That green dot on their profile

That green dot means they are online at the moment chatting up other women. Clearly, you’re not the only one they’re talking to.

Such is the nature of online dating. It’s addictive. Sex with strangers is addictive. Addictive dating behaviors ruin your chances of a relationship. Listen to this episode where my husband and I are shedding light on this topic.

Dating apps are not the solution

Today we have endless options of people to swipe left or right on and endless number of dating apps to download onto our smart phone. Yet there are too many single and lonely people. Why is that so?

Having more options is never a good thing even though it seems like it is. Imagine going on a seafood buffet. No one’s going to be done with one lobster. You keep going back for more and more food.

Besides the above red flag profiles, there are other red flags to be on the look out for when searching dating profiles online to find yourself a match.

For all you know, Paul, James and John might be bots on the dating app. Even if you join the app and start chatting to them, you may never meet them in real life because their profiles are not real. They could possibly be fake dating profiles created to lure users.

Once you’re lured in and get quickly matched up with a good looking person, your initial experience of the app deceives you into getting hooked to using the dating app to find similar or better matches.

The intention of dating apps is to keep you on the app, not to find yourself a match. Read the below story to find out more.

Solutions to Modern Dating Problems

Step I: Get your body language right

In the below video, the Japanese host is talking to foreign women about their dating experiences in Japan. I would like to bring to your attention the body language of western women in the video in particular. If you notice, their arms are often crossed. I have noticed this in person in my interactions with western women in Hong Kong as well, where I live.

While crossing arms helps with functioning better cognitively, when it comes to meeting people, the person crossing their arms may come across as guarded. Arms crossed has several other interpretations but I’ll keep it brief for context purposes.

Avoid doing so if you want to come across as interested. While people may say things they don’t mean, body language quickly gives away the reality of a person’s emotional state.

After my dates, I would analyze the body language of the guys I was meeting. I did not want to delude myself into believe that someone was interested in me when they were clearly not.

My deep understanding of body language comes from studying my behavior on stage and everything that was going on inside me while I was interacting with my audience. Meditation enhanced this understanding further.

Step II: Understand your addictive behavior

Whether you are a man or a woman, having an open mind is crucial if you are going to find yourself a long-term partner.

Why is it important to reflect on your dating journey every now and then? Well, understanding your dating behaviors will also help you accept them. Only once you accept them will you empower yourself to change your dating strategy if you want a relationship. I hope some of the stories in this list will help you find answers to your burning questions on dating and relationships.

A cute couple in the sun laying on the grass in the park, smiling at each other, very much in love.

Let me give you an example. Sasha, a tall, attractive and successful 37-year-old white woman wanted to find a partner. When I asked her what she was looking for in a man, she gave me a list of qualities. Then she said he must be 5’10” or taller. She’s 5’9″ and the man’s height, it seemed, was a non-negotiable.

Had she said “non-smoker or non-drinker, must be fit” I would have completely understood her. She took care of herself and was in good shape. But simply rejecting someone for their height without considering the deeper qualities is shallow in my opinion. It makes me think she’s not serious about finding a relationship.

She’s 37, and not getting any younger. If she’s not going to do something about her non-negotiable factor of man’s height, she will continue to remain single for a long time.

In the conversations I’ve had with people who say they are looking for a relationship, many a times they have unrealistic expectations, unreasonable non-negotiables and ideas they are in love with.

These are delusions daters don’t even know they have.

Stepping into the dating field with these delusions means they are going to look for people who meet the criteria (checklist) they have in mind rather that see a person for who they are.

They don’t know or realize that they are addicted to looking at life through that delusional lens. I admit I was once delusional. I was a sucker for men with long hair and had a checklist when I went on dates.

I learned about it only once Todd challenged my delusions in the most non-threatening way. He was genuinely interested in friendship and I was open-minded enough to listen to him.

Step III: Seek clarity and guidance

Many daters wake up too late from their three decades of continuous teenage drinking, casual sex and dating behavior. Don’t be that delusional and stay grounded.

First. Ask yourself what it is you want from starting or restarting your dating journey. Why are you going on a date with the chosen person? Don’t let your horny and lonely self do the thinking and deciding.

Second. Be intentional, willing to learn from your mistakes and constantly reflect. Analyze the fuck out of your dating behavior until you get to the root of your problem.

I cannot tell you how important this step is. Most online daters are stuck in this and give up on their search. They they blame the men or women they meet or resign to statistics to rationalize their blame.

I’m an expert at helping you because I studied body language and my own dating behavior, analyzed them under a microscope, learned from my patterns and mistakes, said goodbye to my delusions, didn’t let statistics or desperation come in the way of what I wanted, found the love of my life, and now I bring my clients clarity on their dating journey.

Third. Marrying the wrong person means your life is going to be hell. Putting in the necessary work will prevent you from falling into your self-created marriage hell hole. God help you if you have children from an unconscious marriage. Yeah, you can go through divorce and the whole jingbang. But ask yourself how wise that would be.

You need to go into this with your eyes open. To start with, think friendship as the foundation of your relationship.

Whom you choose to marry, and how that marriage fares, will have the single greatest effect on your happiness and well-being than anything else you do.

Choose well. And don’t be afraid to seek help from someone who has been there, done that and found the success you are looking for. Save yourself time precious time and heartache. Get in touch if you’re marriage-minded.

Dedicated to your dating and relationship success,

I know dating is hard. I have laid out my entire dating journey in the below 23 page eBook to help you get Wired for Better Relationships.

I’m taking a survey if you’re keen to share your thoughts on relationships. Please watch the video and find the Google form right under the video:

Share your thoughts in the Google Form. Thank you for being here.

© Neha Sonney, Author

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