In online dating profiles, some people write that the person they’re looking for is the person who will be ‘the reason they can stop online dating’.
Why are we so eager to be done with dating?
Dating can be everything a stale, lost-that-loving-feeling relationship is not.
One reason I look forward to the end of dating is so that I don’t have to hear the ‘why I am divorced’ stories that I usually hear on dates with divorced men.
These stories are not light, flirty, bubbly-laughter stories. They are unhappy stories, “the stories of crumbling marriages, the stories of regrets”, that make me ache.
There is one particular type of ‘why I am divorced’ story that I have have found to be the achiest: Their wives cheat on them, divorce them, and marry the guys they cheated with who then become the kids’ step-dads.
Here’s how three men I met from online dating found out their spouses were cheating on them, how they handled the cheating wives and step-dads after the divorce, and why they told me about it during our first dates.
Matt
On his way to the bathroom, Matt passed through his bedroom, glancing at the vase of roses on the dresser.
His wife had started putting fresh flowers there a few months ago. He didn’t like that she wasted money on flowers that were dead in a few days, but he hadn’t said anything.
As Matt unzipped his pants, he happened to look down into the bathroom trash can and see a slip of paper. In that glance, he saw the words “Holiday Inn” blazed across the top of the paper.
Absent-mindedly, he mined the slip of paper out of the pile of used Q-tips and floss. It was a receipt with a man’s name. He knew that name. It was a lawyer at the firm where his wife lawyered.
What was that man’s receipt doing in the trash can in Matt’s home, in the bathroom beside the master bedroom?
He looked at the roses again.
Photo by Visual Stories || Micheile on Unsplash
Jared
“How was your day?” Jared asked his 11-year-old son while ruffling the hair of his 9-year-old son.
“We played games in the car today,” was the answer.
“Why did you play games in the car?” Jared asked, a bit absent-mindedly. He was busy unbuckling his 2-year-old daughter from her child seat which was a bit of a hassle.
“Mama went walking with her friend. She told us to play games until she got back.”
Jared’s wife rolled her eyes and said, “Where do you kids get this stuff? Get inside and get cleaned up for dinner.”
That evening, Jared opened the closet door in the spare bedroom, looking for the Christmas decorations. He looked down to the closet floor where he saw plastic shopping bags. Envelopes spilled out of one of the bags. He mindlessly shoved the envelopes back in, tidying up.
Then it registered that there were a lot of envelopes, un-opened, business envelopes. He looked closer. His name was in the To spaces. The names of credit card companies were blazed in the From spaces. This didn’t make sense. He didn’t have credit cards with those companies.
He pressed his thumb under the flap of one, roughly pushing the seal loose. When it got stuck, he suddenly felt impatient.
He ripped the seal the rest of the way and saw the words, “Balance owed,” followed by the amount “$15,680”, followed by names of hotels.
James
James’ wife knew what time he would be home. As he walked through the front door of their home, his cell phone rang. He fished it out of his front pocket. Seeing her name on the screen, he answered.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey. You home?”
“Yep. I’ll go ahead and get dinner started before the kids get here. What do you want?”
“James. I’m not coming home.”
“Ok, when will you be home?” James asked absent-mindedly. He placed the mail on the console table and headed towards their bedroom.
“James. I’m not coming back home.”
He didn’t say anything.
“James?”
“James.”
By then, James had made it to their bedroom, empty of all of her belongings.
“Where are you?” James asked.
“I’m at Al’s place. I’m with Al now.”
He didn’t say anything.
“James. I’m sorry. I just wanted to tell you so you didn’t think I was kidnapped.”
How they handled the ex-wives and step-dads after the divorce
These three men have more in common than cheating wives. One thing they have in common is that all three of them have kids, and all three of them got half custody of their kids in the divorce.
All three of them have to interact with their cheating ex-wives on a regular basis, coordinating who gets the kids when. All three of them try hard to maintain a polite, respectful façade towards their kids’ moms, for the sake of the kids.
Another thing the three men have in common is that their ex-wives ended up staying with, and marrying, the men they cheated with.
For years, these three men have had to see the step-dads sitting beside their ex-wives at the kids’ volleyball games. They have to endure the presence of the step-dads at the kids’ birthday parties and graduations and recitals. They have watched the step-dads ruffle their kids’ hair, unbuckle their kids from car seats, comfort their kids when their kids cry. These three men chit-chatted with the step-dads while the kids finished packing their bags to go to the step-dads’ houses.
Why I discuss divorce details on dates
Imagine hearing these stories while sipping the stout you were so eager to try at the brew pub where you met Matt or while digging into a plate of lobster ravioli at the new restaurant that Jared took you to. By the time you meet Jimmy, you know to meet him at a coffee shop. You know you’ll want the comforting warmth of the mug to wrap your hands around as you listen to the sad story you are likely going to hear during a date with a divorced person.
Maybe you’re thinking, “Uh, Lee, if you don’t want to hear these sad stories, then just don’t let the guys talk about them on dates.”
I hear you, and in recent years, I’ve definitely learned to curtail the story-telling.
Yet I still usually spend some time on dates listening to the stories.
In part, I use these stories as a basis for gauging whether a guy is ready for a healthy relationship. Just because rotten things happened to men and women in previous marriages doesn’t mean they’re not able, willing, and ready to be in healthy relationships. Sometimes, hearing how the man tells the story helps me see if that man is ready, or whether he’s still, understandably, enmeshed in bitter, jaded thinking and emotions.
Plus, if the guy does seem to be ready, then, at some point, I probably do need to understand the dynamics of his relationship with his ex-wife and the step-dad.
I also use these stories as cautionary tales. From these stories, I see if there’s anything I can learn that might help me prevent my own future, hypothetical marriage from failing.
Another reason I listen to these stories is because I want to give these guys a chance to tell their stories. In telling the stories, they have a better chance of processing what happened more fully and, eventually, healing.
“Uh, Lee, didn’t you just say that you know you shouldn’t ‘play’ therapist for a guy you’re dating?”
Yes. But these men got an especially hard hit in their post-divorce lives. I’m not giving them any sort of pity pump, but I just think that maybe my little contribution to the karma in the world is to do these guys a favor by just listening, letting them leak out their emotions for a little while.
I don’t feel a need to tell them, “You know, it’s inappropriate for you to tell me about your ex on a first date. You’re clearly not ready for a relationship,” and then immediately say, “Check, please” to the server, or walk away in a huff because they’ve wasted my precious time.
I just decided that I would lend them my ear for the rest of the date, knowing the date might not go anywhere.
I do this because there’s one other thing these men have in common: They have my respect.
No doubt they’re flawed in some ways, as all of us humans are, but in this one, particular way, I see their goodness, and I’m so impressed.
I sometimes wonder if I could have treated my ex-husband with courtesy if I had learned that he had cheated on me. I’m not sure I could have, much less the woman he cheated on me with.
Maybe I listen to the stories because I know some of my fellow women out there feel a bit disenchanted after encountering some real douches in the online dating jungle. I want them to hear these stories so they can be reminded that there are good men out there. With time, these men may heal and be everything we’re looking for.
Because I hear these stories, I’m assured that there are plenty of good men in the world, and because I know that, I’m not quite ready to give up on dating.
—
This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
***
You might also like these from The Good Men Project:
Compliments Men Would Love to Hear More Often
It’s Not Just Sex That He is Longing For. It’s ThisJoin The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Log in if you wish to renew an existing subscription.
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: iStock
The post Proof: Good Men Exist appeared first on The Good Men Project.
