A few years ago, a childhood friend of mine started her work as a child psychologist. She has now been seen all over US, Canadian and UK television and on radio. I am super proud of her. The reason I am proud is not that she is getting “famous”. It’s that her message is so simple and no-nonsense. Her website is: https://doctorbethanycook.com/.
As I scroll through her feed daily, I see things that make me smile, as a veteran oldest child, mom, and homeschool teacher. Life has taught me a lot of lessons and she has a real gift at getting right to the juicy, valuable bits.
My path to motherhood is not what most of you would think of as ideal, to be sure. I was raised in a large Mormon family, the oldest girl of 9. As the oldest girl, my job was to be mom’s right hand “man”. By the time I was 12, I had 2K in the bank from babysitting other people’s kids as well. And that was back in the day when I made about $1/hour. Sounds insane, huh? It was.
By the age of 19, I was engaged to be married to a man I hardly knew. But, in Mormon culture you don’t get the privilege of time to get to know people. Hormones dictate when one gets married. So, I said yes, in order to follow the rules. By 20, I was pregnant, but that ended suddenly in the 14th week. The miscarriage was atrocious and ended me in the hospital for 4 days in Austria, where I was nannying. Yes…I was babysitting again. I actually loved every minute of that experience, except the hospital part and what I learned about my now ex-husband through that process.
5 years later, I was finally ready to dive in and try for a baby. I was never worried or intimidated about having one, or 5 for that matter. I knew what to do with them, once they were out! It was the pregnancies and births that were the problem. And I was a really slow learner. I had 4 children, 2-ish years apart, all horrific pregnancies and hemorrhaging births. But, we are all here now, healthy and healing.
Why did I insist on doing it like this? Why do we ever decide to do things the way we do? I know now how irresponsible every pregnancy was. I do not regret any of them and love my kids to pieces. But, regardless of the endangerment posed to my life with each one, I didn’t know any other way. I was expected to continue to have children. NOT having children was NOT an option, regardless of the toll it took on me. It was never about me.
My marriage was not about me. My life, in general, became not about me the minute I got married. It was about us, our family, and our children. It was about making sure to check the boxes and look happy doing it. Luckily, I am a generally happy person. But these were desperate times, they were not happy.
My ex was in school for 20 years. He worked some of those years as well, but he was never present. We had all of our children on state insurance. That was the only way we could have done it. I also worked at least 2 jobs afternoons and weekends. But, we barely made ends meet. And that was okay, somehow. I was expected to be desperately ill, raise the ones that were my all-day and all-night responsibilities, and figure out how to pay for our lives with minimal funding…in addition to managing a barn full of animals and homeschooling.
I look back at it now and wow, did I NOT make things simple for myself. Wow, did I NOT check in about the reality of my life’s situation. Wow, was I ever stubborn about what I wanted for my kids and did I ever sacrifice for those things.
I am not saying I am a sainted mother, or a martyr. I just did not know any other way to accomplish the end goal-happy, balanced, healthy children. That was always the goal. I am a firm believer that we can only do as well as we know. And to raise my children in the church, in the countryside, homeschooling, and working my tail off were things that I knew and trusted.
Life’s twists and turns are great teachers. So are women’s bodies. But only if we allow for them to speak to us. My body, before I even had children, told me that I wasn’t going to have children safely. But, I somehow thought each time would be different. Oh, the naivete! But, desire is powerful and I followed that route. The danger of following that desire would have killed me only decades ago.
After the kids were all born and my body “recovered”, there were other things my body began to tell me. But those things were not welcome yet, either.
The first rule of good parenting is this: Get really clear about what your goals are. Ask yourself all of the questions. Don’t put off having children because of mild insecurities and instabilities. You cannot control those things anyway. But, you can observe your realities honestly, taking a step back.
Why do you want children? Be honest here. If you want them because they are the “cutest little trophies”, please keep your pants on. How many more vomitous stories do I need to hear about women asking for “push presents” and asap, going back to work, leaving their little ones to be raised by caregivers? Ummmm, let me save you some grief and a whole generation of children with unneeded trauma. Just Don’t Do It.
Are we financially, physically, spiritually, and psychologically ready to raise a child? Here is a tricky one. Just assume you aren’t. Because you aren’t. Take the time to assess where your needs are and how those needs to be met. Are you a part-time job of self-care? Do you need to take care of your childhood trauma before you go and inflict another generation with it? Do you have any funds to buy diapers? Or, even this, are you prepared to deal with getting state help and the exhaustion that entails? No joke, getting free help is never free. It is hard work…and you are going to have to do it. Do you and your partner-if you are partnered-agree on how to raise this child with regard to religion or a spiritual life? This is really not optional. You don’t have to believe the same things, but you must agree on how things will go, long before the little one comes into view.
Who are the people who are going to support me in this decision when the baby is sick in the middle of the night…when we all get the flu this winter, etc? Do you have a church community? Do you have close friends who are NOT in your generation who can come and help, if needed? Partners and spouses are not always available, or useful, so cover your bases. Make sure you have dependable people in your life; family, friends, community, etc.
Who is the team of people who are going to help raise and teach my girls and boys about good morals and ethics? Do I trust my village to help me? Do you plan on sending them to public school, private school, or will you homeschool? Who will you be partnering with to teach these precious little ones? It is one of your jobs, as a parent. But having help is essential. Never, ever assume someone else is doing this most important job well enough to get by. It’s yours…take the reigns and own it. Teachers can be the most wonderful partners whether in private or public school. I found retired teachers to help me homeschool, and exchanged my kids with other mom’s to teach theirs what I was good at and vice versa. Just do your best. Be conscious and active about what and how they are learning.
These are just a few things I have learned as a mom these past 21 years. The most important of which is this: Never swallow anything whole. Ask ALL the questions. Demand the best for your child and say NO to everything that is not important. We need a generation of healthy children, raised by parents who are paying attention to their actual needs-not their perceived needs.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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