Women Avoid Needy Men Like the Plague — Here Is Why and What to Do


Needy men are unattractive.

Needy behaviors include a wide range of behaviors that stem from the belief that your needs will not be met.

It is not about the behaviors themselves. It is about the belief (the intentions behind the behaviors). The same behavior can be needy or non-needy depending on the motivation behind them.

Needs don’t make you needy!

We all have needs. We want to feel loved, accepted, appreciated, and respected. We want to feel connected and included. We want to belong somewhere.

The needs, in and of themselves, do not make us needy. Our belief that our needs will be met makes us needy.

We use manipulation because we believe our needs will not be met otherwise.

And when we believe that something as important as our needs (especially the emotional ones) will not be met, we become attached to and obsessed with them and act needy.

Your belief that you will not be loved or appreciated for who you are will make you try to get those needs met in needy ways. Secure people expect that their needs are legitimate; therefore, they will be met, which is why they are secure.

Not expecting that your needs will be met means that you either believe something is wrong with you or that something is wrong with people. So, you tend to try to meet your needs in “needy” ways that are unattractive and manipulative.

That is probably the root of all the needy behavior.

Why are nice guys putting a front and acting nicely to get their way?

And why do guys who memorize lines, have lists of “things not to say to women”, and treat women arrogantly just to get them to like them do all that?

What they all have in common is neediness, even if their behaviors, words, and attitudes are different on the surface.

A Twitter thread about neediness

For instance, I came across a thread on Twitter asking about the most unattractive things you can say to women.

Most of the comments were from accounts with names like, “Masculinity Power” or “Embrace Your Masculinity”.

If it is an actual person with a name and a profile picture, it is a dating coach or a masculinity guru (reads: a psychopath preying on desperate victims).

The rest of the comments came from guys I suspect are angry kids, regardless of their age. Some women commented as well, mentioning the cringest things said to them ever.

As you can expect, when these types of people get together in one place, and if that place is an online sphere, you can expect an insane level of madness and insecurity.

According to that Twitter thread, the most unattractive thing you can say to women is “I miss you” followed by “I love you”.

“Never say I love you first,” they claimed!

And while some of the things included in the list were obviously unattractive, what those people miss is the intentions behind those words.

Obviously, saying, “I beg you to talk to me” is needy because the sub-communication behind them is unattractive. It indicates a lack of self-respect and lack of value because no woman finds you valuable enough to talk to.

But for things like “I miss you” and “I love you”, it is a different game.

It depends on your intentions, timing, and how you say it.

If you said those statements before and were considered unattractive, it probably was not because of the words themselves. It is because your intentions behind saying those words were needy, manipulative, and insecure.

In fact, if you are afraid of saying “I love you” or telling your girl how you miss her when you actually do, that is unattractive. It communicates cowardice.

Saying something because you mean it is one of the most attractive things you can say, regardless of the actual words (to some extent, of course).

To explain this in detail, let us look at the other side of non-neediness.

Non-neediness is about being outcome-independent and authentic

Why is that important?

First, being outcome-independent signals many attractive things about you.

It signals that you value your own opinion about yourself more than others’ opinions about you.

I am not saying this to promote arrogance. Not at all. Arrogance stems from insecurity. Arrogance is a way to compensate for being too invested in people’s opinions about you.

Being outcome-independent means interacting with women in a way where you do not expect anything back in return.

You are okay with the positive outcome and the negative one. You ask her out and be okay with her response.

You do not get angry if she rejects you; you do not call her a stupid b*tch for rejecting you. You move on.

At the same time, you are not terrified that she will reject you. You act/do something and let go of the outcome. As counterintuitive as it may sound, it is the real deal.

Being authentic is about being honest.

You do not pretend you are outcome-independent just because you read it works and will get women to like you more.

You are outcome-independent.

You do not compliment a girl only to get her to like you or to get in her pants. You compliment her because you are genuinely moved by something she did or how she looked.

Genuine compliments that you expect nothing back from work like magic.

In fact, women are eager to be seen and complimented. They receive countless compliments from guys who do not mean the shit they say and who are trying to get something back in return.

As I said, women get turned on or off by your intentions. If you tell a woman she is pretty just to get her to talk to you, she will see through your words and get turned off or disinterested.

If you buy a girl drinks to get her to sit there and talk to you (or like you), she will know it and instantly get turned off.

But when you give a genuine compliment that you mean, and you do not expect anything back in return, boy, it will make her eyes light up!

When you give her a gift because you genuinely care about her and want to make her smile and feel gorgeous, she will feel it and appreciate your gift, no matter how small it is, beyond what you believe your gift is appreciable.

But if you buy her something to make her think you are cool or, worse, to buy her love, she will get repealed and turned off.

Your actions have to be genuine and authentic. You have to mean it.

That requires a certain level of self-awareness in order to not deceive yourself. You cannot be honest and authentic with women if you cannot be honest and authentic with yourself first.

Be honest (with yourself first) about what you want, why you are doing what you are doing, and what you believe. Get in touch with your intentions.

Putting all this together

To recap, you need to be outcome-independent and, at the same time, authentic, which is about saying what you mean and meaning what you say after you truly understand yourself.

And in fact, being authentic will force you to become outcome-independent because it will force you to care more about your opinion of yourself than that of others.

If I authentically believe that I should pursue writing as a career, I will not expect others to approve of that for me to do it.

I will not be sitting here waiting for my audience to grow. No. I will just write. I write regardless of what people think of my writing career because I cannot stop writing. It is in my blood.

And if I tell a girl I like her, it is because I do, and I am not obsessed with her approval or rejection — that is up to her (and I respect it). What matters is that I say it and mean it.

This post was previously published on medium.com.


The post Women Avoid Needy Men Like the Plague — Here Is Why and What to Do appeared first on The Good Men Project.

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